Go Against the Flow

Sometimes you need to go against the flow, even though it may feel that it could kill you if you do.

Here, I will share the story of how I knew I needed to get divorced, even though it went against my culture’s rules. I will also share how a mom in my tribal village reacted when she faced a difficult choice of letting her baby live or die. When you are facing a challenge like this, it’s important to know what the problem is specifically, and to weigh the risks and benefits of making a change that goes against your culture. It’s necessary to take action or else go against yourself and feel terrible.

After leaving my abusive husband, it became evident that there was no way I could or would go back. That meant I had to decide what else to do. Stay forever married on paper? Get divorced? What should I do? My culture and my beliefs at that time dictated that there was no way I could get divorced. Why? Because the Bible says you can’t get divorced. I was 28 years old with two boys aged 2 and 4, and I believed that I was being told that I didn’t have a choice, that I had to be alone forever.

So I started thinking differently, and of course there was a backlash. It was difficult to go against everything that I had been raised to believe and do and to have a few hundred people in my bubble watching me, judging me and making their decisions about me.

But I knew I had to choose differently, I had to go against the flow. And sometimes it’s really difficult to do. I saw that in the tribe In Papua New Guinea, where there was a mother who had twins. In that tribal village, the culture decreed that you were not allowed to have twins. Twins were seen as bad. The reasoning was that if you knew you were pregnant, you couldn’t have sex with your husband anymore. And if you did that, they believed it created twins. Having twins showed the village that you had sex while you were pregnant, and therefore you had gone against the village.

The people of this tribe would go as far as letting one of the twin babies die by not feeding it. A mother had to choose. And this one beautiful, brave mother, after learning from us, decided to do things differently. My partners and I showed her some pictures of twins, other twins in the world that have survived, other twins that have grown up with big, shiny, bright, smiley faces, that everywhere is not like here and that she can choose.

And so she did. She chose life, and she chose to keep both of them against the culture, against the village, against the leaders, so that both her babies could live. And sometimes this is necessary. Sometimes this is exactly what we need to do.

Think about what wouldn’t have happened if we had stood up back in World War II and we had helped the Jews in a much bigger way. If the Germans who knew what was going on had done something had stood up sooner, millions of lives would have been saved. There are more of us than them. But the majority didn’t, because the government said people were supposed to act in a certain way. But we’ve got to think for ourselves. And sometimes we need to go against the flow. We have to choose what’s best for us, morally and ethically. We have to live with our choices.

The consequence of my getting divorced was that the Mission disowned me. It would deny having done this, but that’s what happened. People stopped talking to me, because if they spoke to me they’d be condoning my behavior. This was one of the hardest things that I have ever gone through in my life. The betrayal that I felt from them, the unfair judgment, the incredible aloneness was totally all encompassing for a time. I cried buckets! I went back and forth between whether or not to give my life back to the Mission, so that at least I wouldn’t be alone.

But the blessing that came from going against the flow is that I have experienced love. I have had partnership and companionship, and my boys have had positive male influence in their life. I didn’t know what real love was, since I didn’t experience it with Joe.

The consequence for this mother in Papua New Guinea and keeping her twins must have been momentous. I don’t even know the full impact of what happened. I can only imagine what kind of trouble she got in, but she has the blessing of having two children, of raising two children, of looking into their eyes, and they got to call her mama. Sometimes you need to go against the flow and do what you need to do!

Here is how you can learn from me:

Step 1. Declare the problem.

It’s important to know what the problem is, specifically. I do this step by sharing the story of how I knew I needed to get divorced, but it went against my culture’s rules and how the mom in the tribe was faced with the same thing.

Ask yourself, “What is it I know I need to do for me and my family, but feel scared or uncertain about because it goes against the rules of my community, family, or culture?” This can be a tough question to face, so keep doing breathing exercises through it. Keep asking it until you have an answer.

For me it was discovering that I needed to get divorced, deciding it was okay and that God was actually still okay with me if I dated again. It was a HUGE step. Anyone who has grown up in a fundamentalist religion knows how big a deal that is. And it took real bravery for the tribal mother to go against her whole culture, as well, and keep her twin babies.

Ask yourself, “Why is this important to me?” Keep asking this question until you have a few reasons. For me it was about love, unconditional love, freedom, living my life. I wanted to have the possibility of a companion, and I wanted my boys to have a real dad!

Ask yourself, “If I make a change, what are the benefits?” Make sure you ask the question enough times to get a nice long list of things. For me the benefits were hope, companionship, partnership, love, balance, help, happiness, and freedom.

Step 2. Weigh the risks and benefits.

It’s important to weigh the risks and benefits of making the change that goes against your culture. I do this step by sharing my thought process about when I decided to get divorced from Joe.

Here’s what you can do:

Ask yourself, “What are the consequences if I stay true to the rules, or if I don’t?” Write down anything that comes to mind.

For me, the consequences weren’t small. It may be the same for you. As huge as those consequences were and felt, the consequences of staying married, just because the Bible said so, were even greater. There was just NO WAY I could go back to Joe, no matter how many people told me I should wait. I had to go against the flow and go my way. What about you?

Ask yourself, “Who else will this choice impact?” Write down anyone that comes to mind.

My choice impacted my parents the most, as they were leaders in the Mission at the time, and under a tremendous amount of pressure. I hated that it affected them, but I just couldn’t live my life for someone else anymore. I had to live my own life. It was tough for a while, but eventually people moved on with their own business.

Ask yourself, “What decision can I not live with? What can I live with?” Write down the answers that come to you.

At the end of the day I could not live the rest of my life for a group of other people. I needed to live my own life for me. I didn’t feel I was actually going against God — it was the Mission that I was going against. They wanted to make it about going against God, but it just wasn’t true. I have the Source in me, the Holy Spirit in me, we are capable of being led by ourselves. We don’t need a group of people to tell us what God in us is telling us.

The outcome of this step is to get really clear on the pros and cons to making the shift and to follow your heart.

Step  3. Take action

It’s important to take the necessary action or else go against yourself and feel terrible. I do this step by explaining the choice I made to divorce and how it impacted me and the blessings because of that choice.

Here’s what you can do:

Ask yourself, “What is it that I need or want to do?” Be super clear. Fear can creep in, here, big time; just acknowledge it, tell it you are just asking questions, just getting curious, everything is going to be okay. I decided that I needed to get divorced, and that once that was done I would give myself permission to date again. The chips would fall as they may.

Ask yourself, “Who else do I know that has already made the same choice that I could get counsel from to discover the best possible ways to handle the situation?” Write down anyone who comes to mind. I didn’t have anyone to ask. My bubble was so controlled that there was only one other couple that I knew who had gotten divorced, and I didn’t know them well enough to ask them.

Get counsel if possible, and take action. Schedule time with that person or persons right now to speak with them privately. Make sure you schedule enough time to say all that you need to say and for them to respond. After your meeting, review what you’ve written here and ask Source, your higher self, “What way should I go?” When you get your answer, go that way.

When you follow these steps, you will learn that sometimes you need to go against the flow, as in the story of how I knew I needed to get divorced, but it went against my culture’s rules and how a mom in my tribal village was faced with the same thing. You will learn what your problem is specifically, and weigh the risks and benefits of making a change that goes against your culture. You will also learn that it is necessary to take action, or else you go against yourself and feel terrible.

Once you implement these steps, come back and let us know what your results are!