Tribal Mamas Know Best
What if you take in a child just because you can? What if it is a win-win situation to positively impact a child’s life? What if you could be consciously aware of the kids who are in proximity to you and how you could add value to their lives? We are all mothers and fathers to kids in some way.
Let me share with you the story of my years spent in the jungles of Papua New Guinea and how I watched the village take care of their own, and how I was able to do the same and take in a troubled teen who I now consider my third son.
I appreciate so much the capacity that the heart has to love. I saw that for the first time while I lived in the jungle in Papua New Guinea. Early after our arrival, a ruckus was going on in the village, and we went to see what was happening. The villagers had carried a woman and her baby through the jungle to see us, the missionaries, to get medicine. The mother didn’t make it. The baby was about three months old but looked newborn, and very malnourished. They had been feeding it by squeezing sugar cane into the baby’s mouth on the path through the jungle.
There were no mothers in the village that had milk to share, and we didn’t know what was going to happen. One woman, a grandmother named Fiza, took in that baby as her own. We got to name the baby. We named her Ebony, because the tribal people don’t name their babies until they smile. The reason for that is most of the babies don’t make it, so they don’t bother to name the baby until the baby smiles, because then they’re likely to live. Fiza came to our house four times a day for a year to get formula to feed the baby.
So we got to be part of raising this baby in providing food and love, and Fiza got to be the mom, and the grandmother. She did it with her heart and her soul. I saw her four times a day for a year. I got to watch her capacity to love. Little did I know that 15-some years later, I was going to have that same opportunity.
One day, I got a call from my sister who told me that she had met a girl with her son and kids in the park. They were in big trouble and could use my help. She was in an abusive situation. I called her and ended up mentoring her for a year. Almost every evening we talked for an hour or two. And because I had been there, because I had gone through it, because I had the practice, I was able to truly help her. I was able to truly meet her where she was at. I helped her with the courts and lawyers, helped her get into a different house, and various things like that.
Time passed and her son Zander was really struggling and acting out. He did not respect or listen to his mom and ended up getting into some trouble with the school, and her custody arrangement was in question for her other kids, because of his behavior. So I offered to take him, to have him live with me to help her, knowing exactly what I was getting into, because I had just done the same with Brayden. I had sent Brayden to Canada to live with my parents for three years. She agreed, and I took full responsibility for him. I paid for his ticket, and it was up to the wire whether he was actually going to get on the plane or not. He was living at a friend’s house and wasn’t honoring or doing anything that an adult wanted or expected him to do. Thankfully, he got on that plane, and he flew to Mexico. I picked him up, and he wrapped his arms around me in the biggest hug.
That boy was mine in my heart. I called him one of my sons. Zander loved it. He was 16, and I raised him with my boys until he was 19. The boys were part of the decision to take him in.
He stayed with us for three years, and it was wonderful, and also one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Trying to be one step ahead of him was a full-time gig, but the beautiful thing was, out of all the people on the planet, for some reason, Zander trusted and listened to me— as much as he listened to anyone. And so we got to model unconditional love. We got to show him that love didn’t go away, that it was always there, no matter what behavior.
He tested all of us. But day by day, we got to show him unconditional love. He got to see it, and he is now grown, almost 21, and one of the most amazing humans. He is a bright, shining light, and he’s making a difference in the world with his presence. I am so thankful that we get to be moms and dads to other kids in whatever way we can. Like my parents were for my son, like so many grandparents are for their grandkids, and for Fiza in the tribe, taking on her grand- daughter.
We get to impact other kids. We need to wake up and look around and see who we could mentor, who we could be a positive role model for. It’s really true that “it takes a village to raise a child.” I’m grateful to be able to help a beautiful girl named Sophia go to private school. She is getting a great education and is learning English, which will give her even more opportunities for her future. This makes me happy. It’s too much for one person or even two people to handle. It takes a village. So let’s be that village.
Here is how you can learn from me:
Step 1. Who have you been a mother or father to in some way?
This step is important because we need to see that we are all mothers and fathers to kids in some way.
I do this by sharing the story about the grandmother Fiza taking on her granddaughter as her own child.
To start,
Ask yourself, “What child have I had a motherly or fatherly impact on?” At first, the answer might be obvious if you have kids, and, of course, they count. But I encourage you to go deeper and think about who else in your life you have had a motherly or fatherly impact on. Write down anyone that comes to mind.
For me, being able to take in Zander as my unofficially adopted son was one of the most amazing and rewarding experiences of my life. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the boys and I made an impact in his life for the better, and he is the man he is today in part, because of being with us. I have also mentored many children at camp over the 5 summers I counseled at camp. What child have you had a motherly or fatherly impact on?
Ask yourself, “Why did you want to impact that child?” Write down any reason that comes to mind. Make sure you have at least a couple of examples.
The reason I wanted to have an impact in these children’s lives is because I can, and because I know how valuable it is. When I was 8 years old, Cynthia, a student at the mission and an adult, allowed me to hang with her. She spent a lot of time with me and taught me a lot. I grew up fast because I had adults as friends. I wanted to do the same for Zander and the other kids at camp etc.
Ask yourself, “How did I impact them and how did they impact me?” How did you impact them and how did they impact you? Write down any thought that comes to you. Ask yourself a few times until you get a few answers for both.
For me I know that I impacted Zander by being a living breathing example of unconditional love. I gave him stability, safety, counsel and direction. And he impacted me by showing me just how big our hearts can be. How did you impact a child/ children, and how did they impact you?
Step 2. What benefits came from that relationship?
Ask yourself, “What good has come from playing a role in a child’s life?” Write down anything that comes to mind. Ask the question over and over until you have three or four examples.
For me, what’s been so amazing in raising the three boys is the expansion of the heart! It’s truly amazing to be able to love to the bottom of your toes and to the top of your head.
Ask yourself, “What did I learn about myself in the process?” Write down anything that comes to your mind. Ask it as many times as you need to get at least a few examples.
I learned about myself that I am a great mom! I did what I had to do for my kids. I protected them and gave them a wonderful life. I also learned about myself that I can be intense and unnecessarily controlling at times, and that I spent way too much time worrying about them. What did you learn about yourself in this process of influencing a child?
Ask yourself, “What would I do differently if I could?” Write down anything that comes to your mind. Ask it as many times as you need to get at least a few examples.
I went through it for too long alone. I would have worried less and chilled out more. What would you do differently if you could?
Step 3. Who could you impact right now in your life?
It’s important to be consciously aware of the kids that are in proximity to you and how you could add value to their lives.
Ask yourself, “What child could I support and impact right now?” Ask the question again and again until you have at least two children in mind.
I’m supporting a beautiful 15-year old named Sophia with her education. I’ve been paying for her private school for years. She is top of her class and is kicking ass. I’m like a second mom to her, and it’s such a beautiful thing! What child could you support and impact right now?
Ask yourself, “How can I best support this child? Is it time, money, energy? What am I great at?” There are lots of ways to support a child — you can take them out for outings and give their parents a break, go to school events, help with homework, attend a class together learning a new skill, help with boys and girls club, and things like that, etc. Get creative. The ideas will come.
Take action. Write down anything that comes to mind. Pick someone and something you’d like to do for or with the child and get on the phone and start setting it up. Do it now. Call and ask the parents what they think about your idea and then schedule it. Of course, you can also do something with and for your own kids, as well, but remember it’s a great big world out there, and not everyone has the support they need. Be that support!
By following these steps you will learn that it is a win-win situation to positively impact a child’s life, that it’s possible to be consciously aware of the kids that are in proximity to you and how you could add value to their lives — that we are all mothers and fathers to kids in some way. Just like the tribal village took care of their own, and how I was able to do the same and take in Zander, my now third son. You will learn the questions to ask to help you become a better team player in a child’s life,
• Who have you been a mother or father to in some way?
• What benefits came from that relationship?
• Who could you impact right now in your life?
This will help you realize that we are all important cogs in a child’s life, that you can see all the beautiful things that have come from influencing a child in a positive way, and to discover what child in your life you could have a positive impact on and how best to do that. You will learn that the capacity for love in any one human’s heart is larger than the moon!
After taking these steps, come back and let us know what your results are!
