Lone Wolf Syndrome

What if together is better? What if we don’t have to hold on to the belief that we must be everything to everyone?  

For as long as I can remember, I loved working as a team. I played every team sport: soccer, volleyball, basketball. And my favorite was hockey. After going through an eight-year abusive marriage alone, I forgot what it meant to have a team to lean on. I had been fighting alone for so long that it became normal.

I now have someone who comes to help me clean. In Mexico, thankfully, it’s very inexpensive to do that. And it actually provides income for a family. I was always really happy to have that help and to be able to contribute to another family. But I think back on how I could have had someone cooking for us, too. I could have afforded it. And it would have massively helped us because I had a hard time working all day and raising two kids and then still trying to put a decent meal on the table. And the kids were super ungrateful and picky, and I just didn’t have enough fight in me to deal with it, so we didn’t eat well. We didn’t eat well for years because I had a rule that said I should be the one to cook. I should be like my mom, a good mom who cooks for her kids.

But the guilt and the shame and the pressure that we put ourselves under because we have a rule that says that I’m the only one who can do this? That’s bullshit when it doesn’t help.

At one time, my oldest son Brayden was struggling. He was so angry, so angry with me, so angry at life, so angry with himself. He was especially angry that he didn’t have a dad. And the things that he said and did, would peel the paint off the walls. It was so awful, and so hurtful and so atrocious. I know he was just acting out of his own pain. And no matter what I did, it didn’t seem to help. I couldn’t reach him.

And I was so frustrated — “Why can’t I help him? Why am I not enough? I’m his mother, I should be enough.” And I realized I wasn’t. I was talking with my parents one day, sharing my frustration and not knowing what to do. I was seriously scared that he would hurt somebody or hurt himself eventually, if this anger continued. It was that concerning for me. And my mom and dad, my amazing, glorious mom and dad said, “Why don’t you send him here?”

And in that moment, I felt my heart tear. And I also knew it was the answer. I just wanted to be enough.

So I sat down with Brayden, and he weighed in on the decision. I told him he had the option of living with Paka and Beppe. (That’s Dutch for grandma and grandpa.) He said yes. And so I sent my 11-year-old to Canada, to live with my parents.

I truly didn’t know if he would ever come back and be my son, living with me in the same way that we had been doing. But it was what was best for him, right then. We spoke on FaceTime, and we visited with each other, and my amazing parents took him on and raised him for what ended up to be three years. For three years, my parents raised my kid, and we called him “our son.” Together we broke that pattern/loop he was in, and together we were able to meet his needs. He needed a man, and he needed a man he respected. My dad was the only one he truly respected and to whom he’d listen. He also needed to be outnumbered. So with my dad and my mom, he had that opportunity to heal. My mom quit her cleaning job to take Brayden full time. And Brayden had a beautiful three years in Canada.

During those years, I got to spend time with just Tate, and that was an amazing gift. Then the glorious day came when Brayden decided to come home, and he came home a different kid. He came home as a young man, ready to go into high school. And we were back together again. It really does “take a village” to raise a child. I’m so thankful for the people in my life that have helped me raise my boys, because I could not do it alone. I have had help, and I’ve had the best kind of help, and for that, I will always be grateful

Here is how you can learn from me (before each step, please find a quiet place where you can concentrate, and where you are, preferably, alone and undisturbed. Breathe deeply through your nose for several breaths, and exhale in a long “ahh,” that will help you relax and become centered):

Step 1. Realize that you have been going it alone, but maybe you didn’t need to.  

Ask yourself, “Where have I been a lone wolf?”

Write down anything that comes to mind, without judging whether it seems good or bad.

I did this a lot, especially after the years of abuse with Joe. It’s like I forgot about teamwork. I didn’t ask for help for almost anything. I wouldn’t even ask for help to open a jar of pickles. I didn’t hire help to help me cook when I could have afforded it just because my pride told me I should be the cook, even though I wasn’t able to do it alone.

Ask yourself, “What were the consequences of that?” Write down anything that comes to mind, without judging it. I suffered a lot on my own. I could have had healthy meals prepared to help me, as I was at work for long hours. It would have made the kids and me happy.

Ask yourself, “What did I learn?” Write down anything that comes to mind.

I learned that it’s much better to work as a team. My life totally changed when I allowed my parents to help me by taking Brayden. It saved both Brayden and me. We have a beautiful relationship now, because we had that time to heal and grow.

Step 2. Who did you hurt by doing everything by yourself?

Ask yourself, “Who got hurt by doing life alone?” Write down anything that comes to mind without judging or analysis.

Ask your higher self a few times, so that you can get a complete list. In my case, my kids were hurt that I did most things alone, as I forgot to ask even them for help. They learned really quickly that all they had to do was delay a bit whatever I was asking them to do, and eventually I would just do it myself. So now they are learning some things later in life because I felt I had to do it alone. And we ate quickly and made mostly unhealthy meals for years because I refused to get help.

Ask yourself, “What were the ultimate consequences of this thinking?” Write down anything that comes to mind. Keep asking until you have at least two examples.

For me, the ultimate consequence is that I was perpetually stressed out. I thought I had to do everything alone and that everything I did had to be epic.

Ask yourself, “How will I approach doing things differently, moving forward?” Ask this again and again until you have at least a few examples to write down.

Once I could see things from this new perspective of how being a lone wolf didn’t actually serve me, I was able to do things differently. I now hire people to help me with things, when it is necessary. When I ask the kids to help me, I expect them to do it, and wait until they do. I don’t just go and do it myself anymore. The biggest move I made was allowing my parents to take Brayden for three years to help me raise him. How will you approach things differently for your family, moving forward?

Step 3. Look at the benefits of teamwork.

Ask yourself, “Where have I worked in a team environment?” Ask yourself this question until you have at least two or three examples.

I worked in a team environment when I played sports as a girl and young woman. I was the captain for most of them, and so I had the responsibility to get us working as a team. I also worked as a team when my parents and I co-parented Brayden. We worked together. It was a beautiful thing. Where have you had experience working in a team environment?

Ask yourself, “How has working in a team in the past benefited me?” Come up with three to five examples.

For me, working as part of a team brought me immense joy. I loved setting someone up for the shot to make a goal. I love seeing people work together. Working together those years with Dad and Mom to raise Brayden was so amazing! We had three minds working, three intuitions at play. It was a glorious thing to raise “our son” together. How has working in a team in the past benefited you?

Ask yourself, “How has it benefited the other members of the team?” Ask this question over and over until you have two to three examples written down.

I can see that working as a team benefitted Brayden massively. He is a happy, balanced kid now. My parents had what he needed at the time. It also was a blessing for my parents. It gave them purpose, and it allowed them to do some things over, differently. It allowed them to really cultivate a relationship with their grandson!

Working together as a team, getting and giving help and support is a beautiful thing.

By following these steps, you will learn that together is better. You will learn how to —

•       recognize where you have been going it alone, when you didn’t need to

•       see who got hurt by you doing everything by yourself

•       enjoy the benefits of teamwork

Overall, you will learn how going it alone is really, actually arrogant, and that we are stronger in numbers, together.

When you take these action steps, come back and let us know what your results are!