We Will Do More to Avoid Pain than Move Toward Pleasure
What are the consequences if you don’t make the change? Sigmund Freud, the great psychologist, says we will do more to avoid pain than move toward pleasure. So what if you understand the consequences of not being true to yourself? What if you could decide and choose, consciously, what it is that you want to believe? The important thing is to give yourself permission to live your life!
I explore this here by sharing my story of how I gave myself permission to get divorced, to learn to dance, to have pre-marital sex, and to develop my own belief system instead of the biblical upbringing I was brought up in. I will then share with you the steps on how to have a grasp of the cost and pain if you don’t go after what you want with these steps:
1. What will happen if I don’t make the change?
2. Decide if you are willing to live with these questions.
3. Do whatever you have to do for you. It’s your life!
Doing all of this will allow you to get to a position of being able to make an informed decision and give yourself full permission to live and enjoy your life, no matter what anyone else thinks. By seeing and feeling the pain of the consequences of not living your life, it will help motivate you to live the life that you want.
What happens when you start asking yourself what you want, what you really want, is that it opens up places in you that maybe you haven’t faced before. Places and situations that maybe you haven’t been living your truth, maybe you have been living someone else’s. It’s important when these things come to light that you dive into them and sort it out. We — each of us — will do more to avoid pain than to even move toward pleasure. I have found this to be true, especially in thinking about getting a divorce and leaving my career as a missionary, because for me that was the same thing. By getting a divorce, I would HAVE to leave the Mission.
In thinking about the divorce, and breaking the rules and going against God because the Bible says you can’t get divorced, this was a huge choice. I decided that I needed to go. And that decision of not going back to Joe and leaving the Mission freed up something in me. It severed control. It severed a list of rules that had been imposed on me, and I started thinking about things differently. I believed I would survive it, and I also believed it was the right thing to do. I truly felt that God understood what was going on, He was blessing my choices, and that He loved me unconditionally, no matter what. I didn’t do it to rebel against God — I did it because I couldn’t live with myself if I stayed.
And so then I thought, ‘Okay, what does that mean for me, moving forward? What else isn’t sitting well with me?’ What came to mind were, not being able to dance, drink from time to time, and not having sex before marriage. I know this is a big one for so many people, so many religions and groups demand that sex is not allowed unless married.
There are some consequences to doing things differently, and I found out the second I started dating again. And wow! The backlash! I even had people from the Mission reporting to my father, questioning which change room I was changing in, in the hockey arena, accusing me of changing in a changing room with another man, which didn’t happen — I was a grown-ass woman, 28 years old, and had two children. It is crazy how much control and fear there is around sex before marriage. So I made my own choice. I have my own relationship with God directly. I don’t need some group of men to tell me what God is telling me.
God created us to reproduce, and he created us to love, and love is the answer. Sex isn’t love, but sex can be another expression of love. I didn’t know this from experience at the time, but I felt in my heart that this was true. So I started thinking differently. There was backlash, but I survived them and the freedom of just choosing for me was amazing!
I wasn’t hurting anybody. It was what felt right for me, and it was beautiful, and I’m so thankful that I did. I’m so thankful that I don’t live in the confines of all the rules that go on in so many different groups, religious and otherwise. I know they mean well, I know they’re just trying to keep us safe, but I think it’s misguided and more about control than anything else.
Men often make their rules into God’s rules. Now, that’s spiritual abuse in many ways. If I hadn’t changed my thinking and allowed myself to dream and do things differently, my kids would have grown up in the same bondage of guilt and shame. They would have grown up believing that their beliefs must be shaped by the beliefs of self-righteous church leaders, and they wouldn’t have learned how to follow Source’s guidance within them.
One of the biggest shifts I’ve made is that I no longer live my life entirely based on what the Bible says. Here is my issue with the Bible: It was written by men inspired by God. Men (in fact, all people) are notoriously full of imperfection and the need for control and power. In addition, we all have God in us, and I feel as well that I have been led by Source to do this book. I continuously ask what I should share and what I should not. Right now, the fear in me is telling me to keep my mouth shut about this subject.
But God is telling me otherwise. So I am simply listening. Finally, have you ever played the game of telephone, where you whisper something into someone’s ear, and they repeat it and pass it along? Usually, by the time it gets to the last person in the chain, the message is all messed up. So for me, how can I live my life 100% by the laws of the Bible when it’s been around in one form or another for over 2,000 years, multiple people have touched it — then add in different cultures, add in language differences, add in missing books, add in man’s interpretation — you end up with something that has some great truths in it, but for me that’s it. We can be led by God in us, by the Holy Spirit, by Source, by your intuition, whatever you want to call it, we can be led by that. And so I made a decision to live my own life my own way. To live my life and not have people telling me how high I can jump and how far I can move and what is okay and what isn’t okay. It has been the most glorious thing, finding that ability to be free. Freedom is glorious. And now I co-create my life in cooperation with Source.
Step 1. What will happen if I don’t make the change? What are the consequences? Imagine going to the end of your life and asking that question again.
The importance of this step is to understand the consequences of you not believing you have value and be true to yourself.
Ask yourself, “What are the consequences if I’m not true to myself?” Write down anything that comes to mind, without judging it. For me, if I didn’t get divorced, or change my beliefs about pre-marital sex, or decided it’s okay to learn how to dance, I would never have learned how to follow the direction of God, Source, the Universe in me. I would still feel guilty and ashamed. I wouldn’t know how glorious it is to dance, to spin with another human around the room, to feel the connection, to be as one with another human. They are beautiful things, and I feel whole and complete and not guilty about it. My relationship with the Source now is better than my relationship with the Source ever was. What are the consequences if you don’t follow what you feel you need/want to do?
Ask yourself, ‘Who else will be affected if I don’t follow my truth?’ Write down anyone that comes to your mind. For me, the obvious first answer was my kids and how I would have raised them, and also my future partners would have been affected. They wouldn’t have experienced all of me. Who else will be affected if you don’t follow your truth?
Visualize yourself at the end of your life, and look back on how it might look if you are not true to yourself. Write down anything that comes to mind, without judging it. I can hardly bear the thought of that, actually. When you finally find freedom, the last thing you want to do is crawl back into the box. But if I were to pretend for a minute what it would have been like — my kids would have grown up in the same guilt and bondage as I did growing up. Feeling guilty about masturbating, feeling guilty about kissing someone because that leads to sex and sex is bad, etc. I also wouldn’t have had the beautiful experiences and the partners that I’ve had over the years, as well as the lessons that came with. How would it be for you if you don’t live your truth?
Step 2. Decide: Are you willing to live with these consequences?
Weigh out the pros and cons of your choice. Write down whatever comes to mind, without judging it. For me, the pros to living my truth is that I’m actually living MY truth. It creates freedom and immense joy and beautiful experiences. The cons: I lost almost my whole community of friends. What are the pros and cons to living your truth or doing what is expected of you?
Get outside feedback from a coach or a mentor or someone else you trust. This is another perspective so you can see things from a different vantage point. I talked to many different people about this subject to get a wide range of thoughts. Ultimately, I encourage you to do what you feel is right in your heart. Once you know who to ask, set up a time with them to meet and have a good conversation.
Make your choice. If everything in your body is rejecting the answer, then you need to ask again until you find the answer you can live with, and it feels good in your body and mind. For me, it got to the point that it was so clear that I had to go ahead with the divorce, that I had to give myself permission to date again and to have sex if I felt led to have it. To do otherwise was to go against myself, and I was unwilling to continue to do that.
The outcome of this step is to get to a position of being able to make an informed decision.
Step 3. Do whatever you have to do for you. It’s your life.
Give yourself permission to live your life. You are allowed. It’s yours. I’m so glad that I did! My kids thank me often for raising them in the way that I did. Give yourself permission to live your life. Say it out loud.
Get excited to live your life. No guilt. The next step is easy — celebrate! Get excited to live your life! Don’t allow guilt and shame to creep in. You have thought and felt this through, you have sought counsel from Source and from other respected and wise people, and you have sat with it and contemplated it, you know what is true — so celebrate! So celebrate your sovereignty!
This party can take as long as you want!
Start living your life!
It’s important to let people who are affected by your choice know how you feel and why. Give them time to adjust. Try not to let their reaction affect you. Give them time and space, if need be, and you live your truth. The more they see how you had settled before and that now you’re sure, the more they will be able to at least understand that it’s working for you. They may not ever understand, either. That’s okay — they don’t have to. They got to live their life, now it’s your turn to live yours. Start living it! Enjoy!!
The outcome of this step is to give yourself full permission to live and enjoy your life, no matter what anyone else thinks.
If you follow these steps, you will understand the consequences of not being true to yourself. You will know how to decide and choose, consciously, what it is that you want to believe and give yourself permission to live your life! I gave myself permission to get divorced, to learn to dance, to have pre-marital sex, and to develop my own belief system instead of what I was brought up to believe. You will learn the steps on how to grasp the cost and pain if you don’t go after what you want. The steps are:
• What will happen if I don’t make the change?
• Decide — are you willing to live with these consequences?
• Do whatever you have to do for you. It’s your life.
Doing these things will allow you to get to a position of being able to make an informed decision and give yourself full permission to live and enjoy your life no matter what anyone else thinks. By seeing and feeling the pain of the consequences of not living your life, it will help motivate you to live the life that you want. It has been the most glorious thing, finding that ability to be free. Freedom is glorious!
