Get Me Out of This Cage!
Have you ever felt completely and utterly trapped? In this blog post, I will share with you the story of my escape from an abusive marriage, and what it took to be able to make a move like that. I will also teach you the steps to take if/when you feel stuck and you know you need to change. How to be aware, how to get creative, how to get brave, and how to take the massive action necessary. In the end, you will learn how to make wise conscious choices for yourself with the least people negatively affected around you, and how to get to the point where you are emotionally able to make a move for freedom.
So I knew very well that if I left my husband... Number one, if I survived escaping, and if I could actually get away, then I very well would be disowned by the Mission that I was raised in and loved because there's no way that they would accept this because the Bible says "thou shalt not get divorced." And there are really no exceptions for this. So part of the decision in leaving was I wasn't just leaving my husband, I was leaving, everything that I knew and loved and was part of.
It was definitely one of the biggest decisions of my life.
I knew, for the sake of the kids, there was no other way. I had to make a change. So we traveled for a few weeks once we hit LA from Papua New Guinea, and we visited churches and friends in Montana. And from there we went to Pennsylvania, where he's from and his parents were there too... There's no other word for it. They were in-laws from hell, his mother especially... It was really bad. My worst interaction with her was one morning after asking him nicely to roll over Joe whipped me repeatedly with the bed sheets. I needed to squeeze my 7 and half months pregnant self into the bed with him. This pissed him off and so he roared, sprang up onto his knees on the bed, and proceeded to whip me. I curled up in a ball and covered my belly with my hands to try to protect Tate who was in my belly. As fast as the abuse started it ended and he laid down and went right back to sleep. Needless to say, I did not. I lay there shaking, scared, and overwhelmed with the idea that I was bringing life into this mess again. The next morning I got brave and told his mom what happened, hoping from one mom to another that she would finally see and help me. She listened to me, and immediately got up and started making breakfast without a word. It was never spoken about again.
We were two weeks into our furlough and ended up back in Pennsylvania. My parents and my sister decided to come to visit from Canada and from Michigan to see me. I had already been gone for over 2 years. So they drove down to Pennsylvania with Hudson, my nephew, and visited us for a few days.
We had a beautiful time but it was also super stressful, my parents were super worried about me in the situation because they could see by the way he was treating me and the kids that things were terrible. I was now able to talk about it a little more, although it was really hard to find times when he wasn't around or listening and it was too risky to allow him to know that I was talking to anybody about the abuse.
So not a lot was said but I knew that something had to give soon. There was a situation where the straw broke the camel's back and I was like "Okay. That's it. I'm done." Funny how all of a sudden you can see things clearer. I went out into the hallway and my dad was out there. I remember the hallway was super dark as we were all headed to bed, and I leaned over and whispered into my dad's ear and said this:
"As soon as we have the chance, we're running."
Without another word, I turned around and went back to bed, and slept like a baby. I had finally made the decision that now was the time to escape. My poor parents didn't sleep for the rest of the night. They were so worried, trying to figure out the best plan. I didn't know how I was going to leave, I just knew that we were going to go. And having that decision made was such a relief. I was scared out of my mind, but at least the car was in motion so to speak. We went for breakfast to see a friend and we planned for my dad to stay back so that he could call the Pastor because If I was going to leave, I wanted to do it with the blessing of the church. I also wanted a witness that wasn’t family, that I wasn't just acting randomly, blindly or emotionally. This was real. This was needed.
Once the pastor knew the full situation he told my dad to get me and the kids to a safe place asap.
When we came back from breakfast, Joe was in his normal angry and ornery mood, not happy. He said he was going to head to his parents and work in the basement. So for a minute, we're like "Okay I think this is it."
Holy Moses, it was so scary. The tension went through the roof. You could slice it with a knife! We decided to take the kids to McDonald's, hoping that he would leave while we were away.
I remember this was the quietest lunch I've ever had with anybody. My sister, my mom, and dad, and I... we just sat there in our own worlds of worry and fear. I knew I had one shot at this. If he caught us leaving in- the- the act….I was not sure if we would make it out alive.
We didn't say a word, we just sat there with pure stress and fear running through our veins. When we thought we were gone long enough for him to leave, we drove back. As we came around the corner and saw that he was gone. I thought, “here we go, there’s no going back now!”. We pulled into the garage, the garage doors went down. And we burst into action.
We each took a floor. My sister took the basement and took the kids down there, and got the toys. My mom took the main floor, I took the upstairs and my dad stood at the door of the garage and just loaded the van so we would throw our clothes in garbage bags and he would take him and load the van. We were very careful to only take what was mine or the boys. It wasn’t a lot because we had just come back to the states from Papua New Guinea with just our suitcases. As soon as that van was full my dad lifted the garage door, parked that one on the street, and moved the other van in to load that one up.
Meanwhile, I sat at the kitchen table and wrote Joe a letter.
A letter explaining exactly what I was doing and why I was doing it. That I had the blessing of the pastor. That Dad, Mom, and Karri had left to go back home, and that I was somewhere safe. I needed him to think I wasn’t with my family in order to keep them safe and buy us some time to get away! I was very clear in the letter on the fact that he needed to get professional help.
We tore off down the road and I was only thirty minutes down the road when my phone started blowing up.
We thankfully had arranged for the pastor to wait there at the house for him when he came back. Pastor Scott later said to us that what he witnessed in Joe at that time he couldn’t believe or unsee. He was so relieved to know we were safe.
We hotel-hopped for a few days. I didn't answer the phone and we moved around so that he couldn't find us. It was so incredibly stressful. I felt all the emotions all at once. I was relieved and felt guilty. Happy and sad. Scared and more scared. I felt guilty because of the programming I’d had and the control that he had had on me for 7.5 years. Psychologically he was still in control of me. I was physically free but not yet emotionally or psychologically. I would learn that this takes years to heal.
The miracle was that we actually got away safely!
We ended up going over the border to Canada because that's where I'm from and that's where mom and dad live. We went straight to the police office and they told us what to do, so we went to the court. And I remember for the first time telling my story out loud in full to the lawyer.
It was the first time my dad had heard the story as well. And they both sat there, with their mouths open, horror in their eyes and extreme sadness, especially in the eyes of my dad. I remember for the first time feeling validated. That I'm not crazy, I'm not being dramatic, I'm not being too sensitive, which were all the things that he called me on a regular basis.
Long story short, I was thankfully able to get full custody. It was left in the custody order that it was at my absolute discretion whether or not the kids saw their father, which I later found out is super unusual. That was another miracle of God's protection over us.
How you can learn from me…
1. Aware of being stuck
The importance of this step is to become aware that you are in the mud, that you are stuck, and that you need to do something about it.
I do this step by describing my marriage, being remotely in the tribe, having no say or opinion because the men rule, Career upturned, probably disowned etc
To start…
1. Look around and see the mud at your feet. Wake up
If you want to wake up to your situation, then you need to first become fully aware of your situation. To do this find a quiet place to sit where there are no distractions. It would be good to pick a time where you are completely alone to ensure this. Once seated comfortably, breathe deeply into your lungs in the same way I shared with you earlier. Breathe deep into the lungs through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Exhale for as long as you can to release any stale air. The Ahhhh sound helps release stress. After you complete your breathing, After at least three deep breaths, ask yourself the question,” How far in the mud am I? How long have I felt trapped?” `Awareness is almost always the first step! I knew I was going to run, needed to run but there’s a difference between knowing and actually taking the first step to do. I’ve found that usually there is something that happens that is the last straw. That last straw is the catalyst that actually gets you moving. So look around, how far in the mud are you stuck? How over your head are you? Write down anything that comes to mind, without judgment or analysis. This should take about 3-5 min.
2. Decide if you want to stay stuck or do the work to get unstuck
Now it’s decision time. It’s time to decide if you want to stay stuck or do the work to get unstuck. Please breathe again deep into your lungs through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. You think and feel much clearer when you are oxygenated. We tend to hold our breath when we are stressed, so make sure you are breathing. Now ask yourself “ Do I want to stay stuck, or trapped or am I willing to do whatever it takes to experience freedom?” For me, I had to go. I couldn’t do another day the way that it was. I got to the point of being willing to do anything I had to hopefully experience freedom on the other side. Ask the question above again and again until you have everything that comes to your mind down on paper. This should take 3-5 min.
3. Choose.
Ok, so now it is time to choose. Make a choice, stay or go. Accept what is or make a change. Jump in or jump out. Choose. Breathe, Ask your higher self for guidance, and choose. When you feel a sense of relief or peace, you know that you are on the right track. You will probably still have fear, but as long as you feel that peace, that knowing, then that’s your answer. When I made the choice in the dark hallway with my dad that day 18 years ago, I was scared out of my mind, but I KNEW the time was now. In my heart and in my soul I knew. So I chose to make a move. It was time. What I’ve realized over the years is that when you seek to understand, when you seek to find an answer, the Universe, Source, The Divine tends to make it clear. The problem is we seldom take the time to ask. So listen to the Source in you, your higher self, then choose. There is no way to know how specifically each road will be, there will be bumps in both. Choose one, the one you feel is the best for you and the people you love. This can take a few minutes, a few days, or years honestly. Keep seeking until you have the answer, then go with it.
The outcome of this step is to wake up to our position and also make a conscious choice to do something about it.
2. Get creative
The importance of this step is the understanding that you may have to be creative in order to get unstuck in the best possible way.
I do this step by explaining my process of thinking through what I was going to do. Knowing and understanding the consequences but choosing it anyways for the freedom on the other side.
Here’s what you do…
A. Ask yourself " What's the best way to move into the new direction I need to go with the least amount of damage to me and others. Weigh the pros and cons.
So how do you figure out what to do next? You brainstorm and write down ideas of what actions you could take, weighing out the pros and the cons. To do this find a quiet place to sit where there are no distractions. It would be good to pick a time where you are completely alone to ensure this. Once seated comfortably, breathe deeply into your lungs in the same way I shared with you earlier. Breathe deep into the lungs through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Exhale for as long as you can to release any stale air. The Ahhhh sound helps release stress. After you complete your breathing, After at least three deep breaths, ask yourself the question, " What's the best way to move into the new direction I need to go with the least amount of damage to me and others?” Write down anything that comes to mind, then consider the pros and cons to each idea. Scratch out any idea you end up believing is not optimal and keep 2-3 that you think are. For me the main decision I had to figure out was whether or not to leave secretly or openly. I figured out pretty quickly that leaving openly would probably have ended up with someone dead. I couldn’t live with this so I had to go in secret. I don’t like living that way, I like to live my life openly, but in this case, I did not feel that was the best and safest option. Then the choice was to figure out how to leave secretly. I could leave soon or wait a bit and plan better, but I figured out, my acting skills were not going to last, he would smell the plan and we would be in danger, so I decided that leaving asap was the way to go. Etc. Walk yourself through it. It will become clear. This might take 30 min or so to complete depending on how big or complicated the decisions are.
B. Create 2-3 plans of attack.
After you brainstorm, put together your best two plans of attack. Float back and forth across your list asking “ what are the best plans?” Remember when you ask yourself a great question you get a great answer. So ask. There is a little guy or girl up there in your mind, sorting out the options and they will not let you down, they will spit out an answer. We have our logical mind and we also have our higher self, our intuition, and our Source in us. Use both. Before you ask yourself the question, Breathe deep into the lungs through your nose, hold for 5 seconds, and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Then ask your higher self the question “What are the two best plans?” Circle the parts of the plans that feel the best. And create a step-by-step process. This should take you 7-10 min or so.
C. Choose which one is plan A and plan B
Once you have your plans written out, decide which one is Plan A or Plan B. Before you ask yourself the question, Breathe deep into the lungs through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Then ask your higher self the question “which one is plan A and which one is plan B.?” Intuitively you will feel it. Don’t analyze at this point, you have already done that in the above process. This step is to listen to your intuition, to Source. Your inner voice will tell you. In my case plan, A was what I ended up doing in the way that I did it. Plan B was if we got caught trying to leave and made it out alive, I would have called Pastor Scott and got him involved. For me, Plan A really needed to work as I believed 100% that if we got caught someone(likely me, and maybe the kids) would have been seriously hurt or killed. Plan A had to work! Hopefully, your situation isn’t a life-or-death one, but the process is the same. I’ve used this process many times for different challenges and it works really well. Pick plan A and plan B. This should take 3-5 min.
The outcome of this step is to find a creative safe way with the least people negatively affected as possible.
Step 3. Get Brave
The importance of this step is to realize that it is going to take courage to get yourself out of the pickle you've got yourself into.
I do this step by telling the story of the moment the decision was made and I was going for it no matter what.
Here’s how you do it…
A. Take stock of where you are right now, acknowledge any fear
So you have your plans and you are ready with Plan A. Take a minute or two to take stock on how you are feeling and to acknowledge any fear. Before you ask yourself the question, Breathe deep into the lungs through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Then ask your higher self the question “How am I feeling right now, what fears do I have?” write down anything that comes to mind. Ask at least three times and write whatever you feel down. Separate the things you can control by puttina a star next to it. And the things you can’t control circle. Then rewrite the list under their new category. One is Things I can control and the Second is Things That are Out of my control. I learned this from one of my mentors, Eban Pagan. It’s a great way to sort out your thoughts. The things that are in your control make sure they match up to your clearly thought out plan and fill in anything you missed. The things on your list that are out of your control, realize and acknowledge that they are out of your control. Just becoming aware of that can ease the load, understand that you have sought counsel from Source and others, you have sought the best possible way to resolve a situation, now it’s time to let the Universe, Source, God, take care of the rest. Together, Source and us, we co-create our lives, so work together. You can also look at the fear and say “ I see you, it’s ok, I understand. I want you to know that even though I’m scared I’m moving forward so you can stay or leave, but I’m going.” You are the boss, tell your mind what to do, it will follow, and you will survive the fear. I was scared out of my mind, but I knew what I had to do. I demanded the fear that we were leaving, no matter what, there was no more arguing about it. And I did.
B. Do the things you can do right now, one bite at a time.
I’ve learned over the years that taking one step at a time is one of the best ways to curb your fear and to keep moving forward. If you look at the whole thing you will get overwhelmed. For example with writing this book. If I look at all that I have to do to write this book and the number of hours it will take to get it done, I could almost hyperventilate. It’s too much! But if I just look at what I need to do right now, what is the next step right now, then bite by bite I get it done. Tony Robbins says “Progress equals happiness” So every step is progress and that means you get to be happy about that progress. So take a minute to ask yourself, “ what can I do right now toward my goal, what is the next step?”. Before you ask yourself the question, Breathe deep into the lungs through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Then ask your higher self the question, “ what can I do right now toward my goal, what is the next step?”. When you get your answer write it down. Look at it and smile, then say “ I’ve got this!” Then go do it. For me in escaping from my marriage, the only way I actually accomplished that was by taking one step at a time. One part of the plan at a time. If I had looked at the whole thing, running, hiding, courts, raising two little boys alone, mission abandoning me, leaving my ministry in Papua New Guinea etc, I never would have left. So when you have clarity on a direction to go, take one step at a time. This should only take 1-3 minutes.
C. Burn the boats - take the island- there's no going back
So there is this thing that we as humans do when we come up against something new or hard and that is, we turn around and run the other way from where we were headed. Tony Robbins teaches that if we want to carve a new path, go a new direction, take the island, so to speak, we have to burn the boats. Meaning we can’t have a way of escape. We have to go through or go through, those are the options. I find this very true. I burned the boats when I threw the first piece of clothing into the suitcase. There was no turning back then. I was going or I was going. Period. So take a minute to burn your boats, take a minute to acknowledge that you are going through the challenge no matter what. Making a conscious choice of this will help you not run back to something you know you need to change. This process helped me actually leave, this process allowed me to be one of the abused women that left and didn’t go back. On average most women go back 8 times to their abusive partners. I didn’t, because I consciously burned the boats. So take a minute to burn your boats if you know deep down you need to. First I want you to breathe deep into the lungs through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Then tell yourself, “ I’m going through, The boats are burned, I’ve got this!”
The outcome of this step is to know the steps on how to be brave, and how to get to the point emotionally where you can make the move to freedom.
Step 4. Move- take massive action
The importance of this step is to understand that it will take a massive action period to get unstuck.
I do this step by telling the story of the kids and I run, the steps we took, and the hoops we jumped through to get safe.
Here are the action steps to take…
A: Take the first step (tell someone what you are going to do)
So the decision is made, the plan is decided, and you’ve burned the boats. The only thing left to do is to take the first step. So here is what you do…. You swing your dominant foot forward, place it on the ground and allow the rest of your body to follow. That’s how you do it. You just have to do it. I want you to look at the first step in your plan right now. Determine when the best time to take the first step is based on what you know. Set the time and date and then do it. Then let someone know your plan so that you have accountability and help if needed. If it’s something you can start right now, start right now. I’m here with you. You can do it! When we rounded the corner to swing back around to the house to see if Joe had left and I saw that he had….. And when we pulled into the garage and pulled the garage down tight, that was my first step. It was go-time. One step at a time. First, the clothes and got placed in the car and other belongings, then the letter got written and placed on the table, then we put ourselves into the car, then we drove away, found a hotel, drove to Canada, went to the courts etc. This process takes as long as it takes to swing one foot forward.
B: Get help if you can.
If you are able to get help and or support on your journey to change, do it! Just make sure they are actually helping and supporting. Be careful not to choose people who might resist your plan and direction or sabotage it. Thankfully I was able to escape with my parents and my sisters' support! I am sooooo thankful that I had them. They were able to take care of the kids while I dealt with logistics and my own intense emotions. Don’t do life alone. We are not meant to be islands to ourselves. Get some help, and allow them to support you. Appreciate them while they do it. Just make sure you are running the ship. They are there to support you.
C: Take the next first big step./ "Ask yourself over and over ' what's the next baby step" and do it
Then all you have to do is breathe deep into the lungs through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” and ask yourself over and over “ what’s the next baby step?” Then take it. Then ask yourself again, “what’s the next baby step?” Then take it. Step by step, bite by bite, and then all of a sudden you are there, you are on the other side. I remember when we crossed the Us/ Canadian border. With the guard shack in the rearview mirror, I realized I had done it. We were safe. At least for this moment. We were safe. The kids were happy and on an adventure. I did it! I made the break, made the move, burned the boats, we were free! I’m excited for you to find yours as well in whatever it is that you need to make a change about. One step at a time baby, one step at a time. You’ve got this!
The outcome of this step is to lay out the process of how to make the move toward freedom and the steps that follow.
By following and implementing these steps, you will learn how to be aware, be brave, and how take the necessary action to reclaim your life. In the end, you will learn how to make wise conscious choices for yourself with the least people negatively affected around you and how to get to the point where you are emotionally able to make a move for freedom. You will do that by asking yourself these questions of yourself which are:
How far in the mud am I? How long have I felt trapped?
Do I want to stay stuck, or trapped or am I willing to do whatever it takes to experience freedom?
What is my new conscious choice?
What's the best way to move in the new direction I need to go with the least amount of damage to me and others?
What are the two best plans?
Which one is plan A and which one is plan B.?
How am I feeling right now, what fears do I have?
What can I do right now towards my goal, what is the next step?
Burn the boats - take the island- there's no going back
Take the first step (tell someone what you are going to do)
Get help if you can.
Ask yourself over and over ' what's the next baby step?.. and do it.
Ultimately you will be able to pull yourself out of the mud and then out of the cage in order to live YOUR life.
READ the whole story http://www.getyourshittogether.life