Love and Marriage- NOT
Life doesn't fit into the perfect little box you thought it would. I had to wake up to this fact the hard way. In this blog, I will share the story of my abusive marriage, how I became truly aware of my position, how I navigated the choice of whether to stay or go, the consequences of both, and the gifts I was able to later see that came from it. I will then share with you the exact steps on how to become aware of your reality and accept the death of a dream when necessary, how to decide whether to stay or leave the situation and how to find the gift in even the hardest situations. You will learn how to define where you have been blind to a death of a dream and to allow the emotions out to appropriately grieve it. To consciously and non-reactively choose what you want for your life. The outcome is the ability to take inventory of all the blessings, because of the situation.
Six months after our marriage, I realized that life isn't going to fit into the little box that I thought it would. That the man that I thought I married isn't the man that I married.
In fact, on the day of our wedding, things completely changed. He didn't even wait until the end of the day to be an asshole. The dating was great. We dated for a year, and I thought I knew him. I also thought that life was pretty and rosy and didn't expect him to be anything other than what he told me and portrayed himself to be. And after years of trying to figure this out, I realized that he played the part of a loving boyfriend until the moment he had me. In my culture, it meant marriage. He knew that once I was married, I was stuck, and there was no way of getting out of a marriage due to our belief system. So, as soon as he had me, then the true person emerged. For his sake, I don't want to use his name, so we'll just call him Joe.
It was a hard reality. And I was in denial about it for years, and just kept believing that he would change, that God would get ahold of his heart. That he would see the way. That the anger, the emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse would end, but it didn't, it got worse.
Before we went to New Guinea, I was even saying to him, "We have no right to go. We are living a false existence in front of our churches and our supporters." As a missionary, friends, family, and supporting churches send you money. They support you to go over into the middle of the jungle and to do that work because not everybody wants to or can. So they help us do that. I felt hugely responsible to our supporters, and I felt like we were living a lie. I begged him multiple times for counseling, and to get help, but he refused. So when I threatened not to go to Papua New Guinea, he completely changed. He went back to the person I dated and the person I thought I was marrying. I was super thankful for that. I think it lasted a couple of months. Because by the time we got to New Guinea, things were back to the way it was. At this point, I'm pregnant, I'm sicker than a dog, and puking my guts out in a foreign country literally on the other side of the world, with a man who didn’t give a shit about me or our baby. After our first two weeks in Papua New Guinea, I started bleeding. I had placenta previa. Most of the time, the placenta previa, moves, and shifts, it's when the placenta covers the cervix. And if you have trouble, you can bleed out and die. I started bleeding and thought I was having a miscarriage. And so did everyone else. There was a mission nurse, that would talk to me on the radio and give me directions. She put me on bed rest. So for two weeks, I laid there in bed scared out of my mind that I was losing my baby. It's 100 degrees, it's hot as hell, half the time the power would go out, and I'd be lying there on bed rest with no water, no food. Why? Because he was off doing his own thing. He was off living his life. I was a massive inconvenience to him. And so I would wait in bed all day for him to come back. Then I would ask him if he would get me some food. He would get angry, stomp off, and come back and throw a piece of toast my way.
This is how I started my life in New Guinea. The nurse called one day and told me I had to go back to Canada to have the baby, it wasn’t safe there. Joe didn’t want to do that but for the sake of what everyone would think, he begrudgingly flew back to Canada with me. He made me pay every day for the fact that I and the baby were inconveniencing him from his dream, to be in New Guinea. I learned how to appease, stay out of the way, make sure the food was ready, give him sex whenever he wanted it, those types of things, just to appease the monster.
So Brayden's born, a beautiful miracle. Two months later, we flew back into the jungle. I was on a train and I felt like I couldn't get off. I was like, you're stuck, you're married, you don't have a choice. This is the way that it is. Here I was in this marriage where it was abusive and unkind and miserable. I had this moment where I realized the death of a dream, the death of a happy, loving, home. I didn't have that. I felt like I was barely making it every day. Trying to keep Brayden safe, trying to keep him out of Joe’s way, out of his dad's eyesight. Keeping everything cleaned up perfectly so that he wouldn't lose his shit and throw something or kick something or yell. Try to keep things as peaceful as possible. I felt incredibly stuck. I felt like I was drowning.
Who could I go to for help? Nobody would believe me. I tried talking to a few people but they just didn't get it. They just downplayed it. Or they would talk to him on my behalf but then he got way worse. I felt completely alone in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by tribal people, with the stress of the medical work, people dying, and people needing me, and I'm not trained for any of it. I'm delivering babies and stitching people up and pulling arrows out of people's legs and trying to save them from malaria, pneumonia, and whooping cough and then coming home to that situation, to that darkness. It was really, really tough. Two years later, Tate was born. And I remember feeling really guilty for bringing another child into this mess of a home.
And yet, I was so thankful to have a purpose and to have a distraction from the reality that was mine. My existence was to serve him. I was there for whatever Joe needed. I was his bitch. And thanks to Oprah. And God, I always say Oprah, and God got me out of there. About three years into our stay we got a satellite TV out of Indonesia. The kids would go down for their naps and I would watch an hour of Oprah every afternoon and disappear into a happy place. It was from watching those shows, and seeing and hearing the stories of people and women getting empowered that I realized that this is NOT okay and that I don't have to settle for it.
But I realized that this was gonna blow up my world. My career. I knew only one other couple that had been divorced and it was a scandal! But I knew, I KNEW that I couldn't look my kids in the eyes later in life when they asked why, why did you stay, why didn’t you protect us?
I knew that I had to get strong. I had to stop doing what everyone else was telling me to do, and I needed to fight for myself and my voice. Something had to change. I didn't know how I could leave, I knew that I couldn't let anybody know, because he'd kill me. I couldn't embarrass him. I couldn't humiliate him in any way.
I knew I couldn't call the airplane because it was by radio and everybody would know that I was calling one. They would hear and they would ask questions, and it would be a problem. We were due for furlough (a year to go back and visit family and supporting churches). And I knew that if I was to run, it would have to be then. I had such mixed emotions. As we packed to go home, in my gut, in my intuition, I knew that this was probably it, that this was going to be the end, that I might not be coming back to the place where I intended to be for the next 15 to 20 years. That my life as a missionary was over. You're not allowed to be a missionary if you're divorced in this Mission. So with tears running down my cheeks, I packed up knowing deep down that I may never be back. I looked at the faces of my partners whom I loved and the tribal people to whom I had given my life to for the past years and grieved. I loved them and I missed them all already. Especially Madagumbe, my best girlfriend in the village.
I was still not completely sure what I was going to do, so we got on the plane and flew back. I remember the lights of LA. I'll never forget it. It was the first time I'd seen America in years. I see the lights of LA and I and I pray to God and I say okay, "Lord, help me. Show me what to do." so I made a choice that I was going to go. I didn't know when and I didn't know how. But at that moment, I knew that I would. I had to for the sake of the boys, for the sake of myself. In those days that followed, when I realized that my dream of a loving husband and father in Joe was an impossibility, I should have cried. I should have wailed and screamed. I should have let the grief out. But I didn’t. I kept most of it in. In part because I was afraid Joe would figure out what I was doing, but also because I thought I would be “less than” if I cried or got angry. I know now that that is not healthy, but that was where I was in those days.
Without going into too much detail, but to give you an idea of what it was like living with Joe, I'm literally writing this down from a document that I wrote right after this incident took place. It said that I was driving with Brayden one day to school, this is years later, of course, and he asked if he could talk to me about something about dad. I said sure. And he said, "Why did dad spank us so hard?" I said, "Oh, I know honey. Daddy was so angry, so much, that he would do that. That's why mommy took you and Tate away. I used to talk to dad and tell him to not spank, to be nice, to be gentle, but daddy didn't listen. That's why I took you to a safe place." Brayden said "Yeah. And I remember when daddy chased you down the hall and you went into the bathroom. Why, mom?" I said, "Well because mommy was scared of daddy and what he might do. And the bathroom was the only room in the house that I could lock myself in." Brayden looked up at me and said something I’ll never forget for as long as I live he said, “I should have gotten a lock for my room.” At that moment, my heart literally split in half and it seemed that all the memories from those days came flooding back. All the rage, violence, and fear that we lived with. The feelings of guilt that I should have left sooner, and the feelings of relief that at least I left when I did. All of it at once flooded my mind and heart. And I said "Oh honey, I know. That's why we left. That's why I can't be married to daddy. No little boy or wife should be afraid of their dad or husband. No boys should be afraid in their own house."
Then he says, “daddy was good at Easter”. And I said, "I know hon. Daddy isn't all bad. But mommy never knows when daddy is going to get upset. That's why when you see dad at visits, mommy makes sure there's always someone else there to make sure you and Tate are safe. Because mommy never wants you, Tate, or me to go through any of that again."
I had to do something. I had to make a change. I had to turn my life upside down. And what I learned in those days, weeks, months, and years of fighting for custody and fighting for my life, our lives, is how incredibly strong I am. How incredibly clear I was. In those moments that I had to go, I had to make a change. I now know from talking with social workers that the average abused woman goes back eight times before they're either killed or left for good. Eight times. I am so thankful that I left once and stayed gone.
How you can learn from me…
1. Become aware of the reality of the Death of a dream
The importance of this step is that becoming aware is really the first and most important step.
I do this in this step by explaining the moment and moments when I realized that what I thought was real and true was actually a mirage.
To start…
1. Ask yourself " where in my life have I been an ostrich refusing to truly see what is going on?
To do this find a quiet place to sit where there are no distractions. It would be good to pick a time when you are completely alone to ensure this. Once seated comfortably, breathe deeply into your lungs in the same way I shared with you earlier. Breathe deep into the lungs through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Exhale for as long as you can to release any stale air. The Ahhhh sound helps release stress. After you complete your breathing, After at least three deep breaths, ask yourself the question,``'' Where in my life have I been an ostrich refusing to truly see what’s going on" Sit and listen to your inner voice. When anything comes to mind, likely you will have multiple things, write them down without judgment or analysis. Ask yourself the above question again and again until you run out of ideas and you have a nice list. In my life, I had to face the fact that I had allowed myself and the boys to be treated terribly for 7.5 years. I thought I didn’t have a choice because I was married. The reality is at some point married or not, I was unwilling to let it continue. I had to face the fact that for years I was more interested in making Joe and the church and the mission happy rather than doing what I needed to do, leave. It’s difficult at times to face yourself like this, but when you do, you can create the change you actually need. Keep breathing deeply throughout this exercise. It should take you 5-10 min as you dig through the layers of your mind.
2. Define that death of a dream
For me discovering that my dream of a happy healthy marriage and home was actually dead was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face. I wanted my dream to be true. I clung to the hope for so long, too long. The thing is it doesn’t serve you or me to cling to something that is not real. There is a difference between quitting and letting something go because it is time. Take a few minutes to ask yourself “what dream am I clinging to?” or “ what dream do I need to let go of for now?” Sit and listen to your inner voice. When anything comes to mind, likely you will have multiple things, write them down without judgment or analysis. Ask yourself the above question again and again until you run out of ideas and you have a nice list. If you get stuck, breathe deeply into the bottom of your lungs and ask the question again. Write everything that comes to you down. This should take 3-5 min
3. Grieve it - cry, scream, etc, and get it out
For me, the death of a dream is tremendously difficult. So make sure you give yourself the time to cry it out, to scream it out. It is likely that you have been holding in these emotions for weeks, months, or years, so allow yourself the gift of purging those held emotions and letting them out. There really is no way to tell you how long this could take, but what I do know it may take less time than you think. When you actually give yourself permission to feel fully, it comes out in a rush. I, unfortunately, did not know how to do this. I kept most of my emotions in, with the belief that I was being strong, or that I shouldn’t. It’s just not true. I cried buckets years later that would have been a lot less if I hadn’t stored them up for 38 years. Please don’t make that same mistake. Cry, scream, cry some more. Grieve!
The outcome of this step is to define where we have been blind to a death of a dream and to allow the emotions out to appropriately grieve it
2. Decide if you are staying or leaving the situation
The importance of this step is to make a conscious choice to either stay and accept what is, or leave or change the situation.
I do this step by explaining how I stayed for a while and then made a conscious choice to leave and change my circumstance.
Here’s how you do it…
A. Take inventory of the pros and cons of accepting and or changing the situation.
It's important when you finally realize that there is a dream that you need to maybe let go of to go through the inventory of pros and cons to either accept or change the situation. To do this find a quiet place to sit where there are no distractions. It would be good to pick a time when you are completely alone to ensure this. Once seated comfortably, breathe deeply into your lungs in the same way I shared with you earlier. Breathe deep into the lungs through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Exhale for as long as you can to release any stale air. The Ahhhh sound helps release stress. After you complete your breathing, After at least three deep breaths, ask yourself the question,``” What are the pros and cons if I stay, and what are the pros and cons if I change the situation?” Sit and listen to your inner voice. When anything comes to mind, likely you will have multiple things, write them down without judgment or analysis. Ask yourself the above question again and again until you run out of ideas and you have a nice list. I knew that if I stayed, the boys and I could be possibly killed, or at the least continue to live in an emotionally, psychologically, physically, and sexually abusive home. I knew if I stayed I would be able to keep being a missionary, fulfilling the purpose I had set out and trained for to achieve. I wouldn’t be ostracized by friends and family because keeping the family together is number one. God would be happy with me because I didn’t get divorced. This was my thinking at the time. So take 5-7 min to complete this process.
B. Get some outside help from someone you trust with a situation this big.
Next, it’s wise to get some outside counsel with someone you trust with your situation. Not that you will do what they tell you necessarily but to get another perspective. Only you truly know what it’s like to live in your shoes. An outside perspective can really help though as sometimes we can’t see past our own blinders. So breathe in deep again into the bottom of your lungs, hold for 5 seconds and exhale, saying the word “ahhhhh”. Then ask your higher self, “ who is the person or people I need to talk to about this situation?” People will come to mind, write them down and ask again, “ who else should I talk to about this?” Pick 2-3 people if possible. Contact them right away and set up a time to talk privately. I now know to do this and have done this for many different situations in my life, but back then during the time of deciding whether I would stay or go, it was all me. My situation was unique as I was in the jungle and was never really left alone for any amount of time as Joe controlled almost everything I did and knew where I was at all times. But thankfully most people aren’t in that same situation and they are able to seek counsel. It is a wise thing to do and would have brought me peace of mind as I later experienced when I was able to seek wise counsel. Discovering your counsel and setting up your appointments should not take more than 5 min to do.
C. Consciously choose which way you are going and go all in with whatever choice you make
Once you have sought counsel and made your choice it’s important that you decide ahead of time that you will go all in with whatever choice you made. Why? Because if it’s a hard choice, you might be tempted to chicken out. The cost of chickening out might be and is probably more than you want to pay. I chickened out for years and the boys and I ended up experiencing a whole lot of hard things because of it. I don’t know what the consequences are if you don’t make a change, but I know what mine would have been had we stayed and not left. The abuse would have gotten worse of that I have no doubt because it had been getting progressively worse over the years. I don’t believe we would have made it out alive. So once you’ve gotten counsel, and made your decision, go all in. Don’t waiver. Design your life. Put one step in front of the other. The path will be made clear as you go along. You’ve got this!
The outcome of this step is to consciously and non-reactively choose what you want for your life.
Step 3. What lessons were learned, what gifts received
The importance of this step is to look back and really discover what gifts came from the situation regardless of how difficult it was.
I do this step by sharing that I learned how strong I really am and how there's nothing I can't handle.
Here’s what you do…
A. Ask yourself " What good has come from this situation?"
It’s also very important to at some point sooner than later to sit down and ask yourself “what good has come from this situation?” If you don’t you will be likely pulled into the common program of being a victim. To do this find a quiet place to sit where there are no distractions. It would be good to pick a time where you are completely alone to ensure this. Once seated comfortably, breathe deeply into your lungs in the same way I shared with you earlier. Breathe deep into the lungs through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Exhale for as long as you can to release any stale air. The Ahhhh sound helps release stress. After you complete your breathing, After at least three deep breaths, ask yourself the question,``” What good has come from this situation?” Sit and listen to your inner voice. When anything comes to mind, likely you will have multiple things, write them down without judgment or analysis. Ask yourself the above question again and again until you run out of ideas and you have a nice list. I realized that from my experience of discovering and deciding enough was enough, how incredibly strong I am. Not just physically, but emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. My kids didn’t live another day of abuse from the moment I left. They got to grow up in a happy, healthy, normally imperfect home.
B. Ask yourself " What have I learned specifically that I maybe wouldn't have if this didn't happen?
Another amazing question to ask is “What have I learned specifically that I maybe wouldn’t have, if this didn’t happen.?” Breathe again, deep deep deep into the bottom of your lungs. Hold it for 5 seconds, and exhale saying “ahhhhhhh” for as long as you can and ask the question “ “What have I learned specifically that I maybe wouldn’t have if this didn’t happen.?” Write down anything that comes to mind. Rejoice in those things. Allow yourself to feel good about that. I learned how to choose me, to do really hard things like leave a marriage that I really wanted to work out, to go against the flow when it’s necessary by deciding to leave my husband even though “I wasn’t allowed by my culture and community. And most of all I learned what love isn’t. What a dad isn’t. I learned what I didn’t want. That is a gift and I am thankful for it. Make your list of things that you learned specifically. This should take 3-5 min to complete. You know you’ve done it right when you feel good about them.
C. "Who else has benefitted from this situation?"
Another great question I love to ask myself now after a learning situation is “ Who else has benefitted from this situation?” Breathe again, deep into the bottom of your lungs. Hold it for 5 seconds, and exhale saying “ahhhhhhh” for as long as you can and ask the question “ “What have I learned specifically that I maybe wouldn’t have if this didn’t happen.?” Write down anything that comes to mind. Smile, Rejoice in those things. Allow yourself to feel good about that. For me, the main people on my list are my kids. They benefited greatly by me choosing differently than what felt like my lot in life. I had a friend yell at me after I left Joe, screaming at me that I wasn’t allowed to leave and that it was against God. She was also in an abusive relationship.. I later found out that she left her husband and got safe. Maybe my situation was an example of what could be, I don’t know. But people are watching. That I know. The other people who benefitted from my situation were my partners in the tribe. There were two other amazing couples working there with us, and by me leaving Joe, It meant we as a family had to leave the tribe, which removed Joe from there. He was very difficult to live and deal with and was an anchor to the work there. So us leaving was a blessing in that way. Who else benefited from your situation? This process should only take about 3-5 min.
The outcome of this step is to really take inventory of all the blessings that have taken place because of the situation. This new perspective of gratitude turns the trauma into a blessing.
By following and implementing these steps you will learn how to deal with the death of dreams and turn them into gifts. You will learn how to define where you have been blind to a death of a dream and to allow the emotions out to appropriately grieve it. You will also know how to consciously and non-reactively choose what you want for your life. You will have the steps to take to rebuild and choose anew for your life.
1. Become aware of the reality of the Death of a dream
2. Decide if you are staying or leaving the situation
3. What lessons were learned, what gifts received
The outcome is the ability to take inventory of all the blessings, because of the situation, turning Fear into Freedom. Traumas into Triumphs.
Your Action Steps Are to implement the steps above, and come back and let us know what your results are!
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