Isn’t Middle School a Bitch
Unapologetically you, is it even possible? I’m going to share with you how it IS possible to be unapologetically you! I’m going to share a story from my childhood that was one of the catalyst situations that caused me to live many years of my life as a people pleaser, and what I did to turn the ship around. I will then share with you the exact steps to take, to find and accept yourself so that you can live and be unapologetically you!
I grew up a people pleaser. I grew up worrying, thinking, and contemplating on a daily basis how to make everyone around me be okay. This was the environment. This was what was expected. This is what most people I knew were doing, living in the Mission. It was a school that trained missionaries to go overseas into indigenous tribal villages, to learn their language and share with them the Bible.
We lived in a little bubble, we called it "camp". It was a little bit like summer camp, there was no running water in the housing, in preparation for tribal life, and so this is just how it was. I think the reason why we were all such people pleasers was that the culture demanded it. There was an intense need to make sure that God was smiling on us, and the leadership believed it was their job to make sure that we were doing what we were supposed to be doing, at all times.
It was up to them to, as they called it, personal minister to us if we were doing anything that they felt wasn't what we should be doing. The ultimate consequence was getting kicked out, or in the language of the bubble ..” asked to leave”. So we lived in fear and never quite knew if or when we would get the axe for one reason or another. Later when I was 20 I went to Missionary College and I was literally the last person of the last class of one of their missionary school properties, as everyone else was “asked to leave”. It was nerve-racking. Leadership justified their position and beliefs from their interpretation of the Bible, So it was tough. It was frustrating. But it was the norm and all I knew.
I remember this one time, at 13 years old, I got the most beautiful dress that I had ever seen. Now, you have to understand that I had fought with my mother almost every morning, for most of my life, or at least it feels like that, on wearing a dress to school. My mom wanted me to be a girl, to look like a girl, to act like a girl. I didn't want any part of it. So every morning we fought over what to wear. And again, the pressure that my mom was under was, "What's everyone gonna think, if Amy goes out looking like a boy?" It's not going to be good. There were very defined roles…. thou shalt, you know, listen, thou shalt do what you're supposed to do, thou shalt look like a girl, thou shalt obey,
To this day, the word "obey" gives me a little shiver. So I got this beautiful dress, and for the first time in my life that I could remember, I was actually enticed to wear it. I was like, "Wow, that's really pretty, I might actually look pretty if I wear that."
In my denial of the feminine, I played the role of being the tomboy, that was my job at that point. You're a tomboy, act like a tomboy. So that's what I did. But I was also made fun of for being a Tomboy. But I saw this dress and I'm like, "Should I wear it? Hmm... I don't know...". We had what we called a Tuesday Night meeting. Basically, it's Church on Tuesday night. We would all get together there at camp and someone would sing and someone (a man) would share something from the Bible. We had to get dressed up, and it was something we all had to do.
So I braved wearing this dress, and you wouldn't have believed the hubbub that happened because of it. I walked in and I swear, everyone stopped and stared... Well, I'm sure they didn't. I'm sure it was only a few people. But it felt like the whole room turned and gawked at me. And I know from the comments that followed that I had blown the roof off of the place.
You would think they would be happy or at the most unaffected, But no, they were not happy. It was almost as if they were offended. It was somehow affecting them that I would break out of my role as tomboy and dress like a girl. That moment was so traumatic for me as a new fresh teenager. The response, and the comments. the disdain, the disapproval... I was like, hell no, I am never doing that again. That was not worth it.
I didn't say "hell" back then. But that's how I talk now. I just looked back now and I'm like, holy cow, that was a moment in time that literally shaped a big part of the rest of my life. So I carried on the flag of being the tomboy for years and years later. I was so in my masculine. A good example of this is when I got married. Somebody came up to me, and she said, "I can't believe you're in a dress. I thought you were gonna come down the aisle in sweat- pants". I thought, "Are you kidding me? I can't even wear a dress on my wedding day without comment."
So I was like, "You know what? Forget it. I am going to be a tomboy because that is my role. And this is what I know. And this is what everyone's okay with." Kind of. They despise me on some levels. Because why aren't you more like a girl? You should be more like a girl. Why do you have to play with the boys? Why do you have to do that? And my normal response was, "Because I want to. Because I can. Because I'm good at it. What I really was saying, because I want to be valued.
And so it was this "push me, pull you" feeling of "Who am I?" I felt like…. of my own making, I created this tomboy, and I wore it like a badge. It was my significance. Like look at me, I'm valuable, I can play hockey better than most men, I even beat boys at arm wrestling! I was tough. And yet I was dishonoring my feminine and not feeling safe to even branch into that area because if I did, it was... to me, it felt like there'd be hell to pay. It made everybody uncomfortable. So I began and continued this life of people-pleasing.
The issue with people-pleasing is that you end up not living your life. You end up living somebody else's. Or in some cases, many other people's lives. I can see now as I look back on my life how this need to people- please stunted my growth. Stunted me becoming me. And even writing this book ... I've been told for years by hundreds of people that I should write this. And I'm like, "No... Maybe, I don't know." The only reason I'm doing it now honestly is because I feel called to. And I've had to work through, including this morning, as I got up to write this, work through some real feelings about waaaaa, what are people gonna think? They may get angry, upset, judge me, or think bad about me. What are they going to believe about me? etc.
It's the old program that thou shalt be everyone to everybody. And it's bullshit. I'm writing this, not to hurt anyone. But to be authentic. To say that life is messy. Shit happens. Sometimes really bad shit happens and yet we can all be okay, we can actually be more than ok, we can love life and thrive in it.
How you can learn from me…
1. What do you do to people please?
What's important about this step is to know and understand where you are not being authentic and where you are people-pleasing so that you can create the opportunity to do things differently
I did this step in my story by looking back and realizing that I had been people-pleasing for most of my life. I dishonored my feminine side to keep others comfortable.
I now see that these situations in these stories are actually a gift. I am in no way a victim. And so please know as I write these words, and as I tell some of these stories, that I am sharing them so that hopefully, in some way, maybe you can relate. In some way, you can say "Ah... that was me." Or "That is me." And you can make a change. And you can do things differently. And you can be unapologetically you.
To start…
Sit in a quiet place, breathe, ask your mind to tell you the truth.
If you want to stop people pleasing then you need to first become aware that you are doing it and where. To do this find a quiet place to sit where there are no distractions. It would be good to pick a time where you are completely alone to ensure this. Once seated comfortably, breathe deeply into your lungs in the same way I shared with you earlier. Breathe deep into the lungs through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Exhale for as long as you can to release any stale air. The Ahhhh sound helps release stress. After you complete your breathing, After at least three deep breaths, ask yourself the question,``'' Where in my life have I been a people pleaser?" Sit and listen to your inner voice. When anything comes to mind, likely you will have multiple things, write them down without judgment or analysis. Ask yourself the above question again and again until you run out of ideas and you have a nice list. In my life I was a people pleaser, especially with people at church. Having to wear a dress, sit quiet and out of the way was not me. You should spend 3-5 writing down answering these questions.
2. With Whom? and again In what situations especially? Keep asking until you don't get any more answers.
This time ask, “with whom have I been a people pleaser?” Who am I afraid of? In what situations am I the most afraid to be myself?” Write them all down. Keep asking yourself over and over until you have a complete list. For me, I was afraid of God, disappointing my parents, getting kicked out of the mission, in church etc. This should take 3-5 min.
3. What has it cost you being a People Pleaser?
Ask yourself, “ what has it cost me to be a people pleaser? Understanding this fully is life changing so dig deep. Get real with yourself. Don’t hide. It cost me years of joy. It cost me having to pretend. It caused me physical pain. What has it cost you? The outcome of this step is to know that often our first thought in a situation is poor me.
The outcome of this step is that you have a very clear idea of how and where and with whom you try to please.
2. What have you lost or not experienced because of your people pleasing? Why Be Authentic?
What's important about this step is that we as humans will do more to avoid pain than to move towards pleasure. The problem is we are professionals at numbing the pain. We need to feel the pain in order to want to make a change and move towards pleasure.
I share this step in my story by looking back and really grasping how that one event shaped so many others in my life, like who to have as friends, how to dress, who I attracted etc.
Here’s how you do it…
A: Sit in a quiet place, breathe, ask your mind to tell you the truth.
In preparation for the next two steps I need you to get real with yourself. To do this, I suggest you find a quiet place to sit. Breathe three times deep into the bottom of your lungs and exhale longer than you inhaled, saying the word “ahhhhhhhhhh”. Then ask your mind to tell you the truth. There’s no point in continuing lying to ourselves. We do this subconsciously a lot. So consciously tell your mind to tell yourself the truth. If you like, copy what I say ” ok brain of mine, I need you to tell me the truth right now, it’s important!”. Say this to yourself at least 3 times before going on to the next step.
B: Ask yourself, where in my life have I not been authentic? With whom have I not been authentic with?
Then ask yourself “ Where in my life have I not been authentic? With whom have I not been authentic with? Sometimes these things are hard to face, to admit, to stare in the face. But to do so is to become free. To do it is to find yourself! I wasn’t authentic in many ways at church. I was definitely pretending and conforming. In my marriage I was playing a role, I was afraid to be me. I believed there was no room for me, only the men counted. Write at least 3 examples where you are not authentic; this should take 3-5 min.
C: Ask yourself " What has it cost me living inauthentically? How has it hurt the people around me?"
Once you have that all written down, ask yourself these questions, " What has it cost me to live inauthentically? How has it hurt the people around me?" We have to know what the pain is in order to move more effectively toward the pleasure. Face it! Keep breathing as you ask the questions. If you get stuck, move your body around and keep asking until you sort it out and get the truth. Living inauthentically cost me so much. I lost years of being truly me. I lived years of being fearful of being accepted or not. My kids lived with a version of me that wasn’t actually me. I didn’t write this book for years for fear of being judged, misunderstood etc. All for what? Write down at least three examples for each question. This should take 3-5 min.
D. Ask yourself " Why is it important to be authentic?
This last question is very important! Here it is. Ask yourself, " Why is it important to be authentic?” You have to understand why you want to make the change to living authentically or else you never will. So why live authentically? Why make the change? What will you get out of living authentically? I now love being my unapologetic self. I get to be me. Gloriously weird and wonderful, emotional, and free. I get to be free. The bars have been removed. I can now fly. I now know and accept that we are all different and different is awesome. I accept myself. I love myself. I am me. Write down at least three examples for each question. This should take 3-5 min.
The outcome of these steps is to have real clarity as to how you have lived inauthentically so that you can decide if you want to keep living that way or make a change.
Step 3. Step by step, over and over, do you, no matter what.
What's important about this step is that we realize that things are not going to change overnight, it takes re-programming and repetition to change years of habit and programming.
I share this step in my story by describing the process of even just writing this book. That I am very aware that some of the things in this book with go against and even make some people I know and grew up with angry to speak my truth like this.
You should start immediately by taking your own action, here’s how:
A. Awareness of the old program is #1
Awareness is key. Realizing what you do, how you think and the behaviors it creates are very important. You have to know where you are going. So just understanding where and when, and with whom you have been inauthentic is the first amazing step. Understand that it takes time to turn the bus around, sort of speak. I was unaware for years, just going through the motions on the program that my environment and culture created. We all have it. When we wake up and can separate ourselves from it and see it outside of ourselves is the moment we have a choice to keep it or change it.
B. At the crossroads of choice - choose you
Just waking up to it is a huge step and you should be proud of yourself for facing yourself. If you are at a crossroads of choice, choose yourself. Be you. I didn’t for many years and I paid the price. Hopefully, you are learning this sooner than I did. But no matter how far along in life you are learning it, at least you are learning it now. Don’t let another moment pass you by. Do you.
C. Take the first step and then the next.
So how do you actually be you? How after so long of pretending and acting and conforming can you pull that off. You do it one step at a time. One little choice at a time. Many times for me that step looks like saying no. For me, I needed to say no to my marriage, no to the control of the mission, no to the idea that I must stay single for the rest of my life because the Bible says so. No.
The outcome from these steps is true change. Step by step, over and over you will build the muscle of not giving a care of what others think. Practice makes perfect.
When you read and implement what's written in this blog post you will learn how to have a very clear idea of how and where and with whom you try to please. To have real clarity as to how you have lived inauthentically so that you can decide if you want to keep living that way or make a change. You will do this by asking these questions:
1. What do you do to people please?
2. What have you lost or not experienced because of your people-pleasing? Why Be Authentic
3. Step by step, over and over, do you, no matter what.
And step by step, you will build the muscle of not giving a care of what others think. That being you is much more valuable to you than not.
I'm telling you what, it's amazing.
READ the whole story http://www.getyourshittogether.life