Little and lacking
I'm a fool to believe I have no value, and yet for years, that’s what I believed. I’m going to share with you a story on how I turned myself into a pretzel in order to be loved, noticed, and valued in a world that said, women don’t matter, and how I was able to wake up to the bullshit beliefs and create new and empowered ones that serve me. Then I will share with you the exact steps on how to figure out what your limiting beliefs are, how to annihilate them, and create new empowering beliefs! You will learn how to appreciate the good that came from that belief and in that, your past can heal the future!
I'm a Canadian girl. Grew up in a small town in Canada. I have two amazing parents and two younger siblings, Karri and Jeremy. My life was pretty peachy, at the beginning. I just remember being happy and loving my world.
Things changed at seven and a half, when we moved to Ontario, to a mission organization that trains missionaries. It had many cultish tendencies that blew up my world and made me realize I wasn't in Kansas anymore, at least from my little girl’s perspective.
The main change was that I went from a world of being free and unconditionally loved, from my perspective to a world of control and a whole lot of rules. The most alarming rule was the one claiming that women didn't have the same value as men.
The biggest problem with this whole scenario is that I believed it. I remember standing on a hill where we lived, just before my eighth birthday, looking down at the pond, and I made the conscious choice that I was going to show them that women were valuable, that I could do anything a man could do, and that I could do it better. I realize now that this landmark moment in my life shaped so many other decisions. Who I married, what I fought for, what I chose to do and not do... it all stemmed from this one little choice I made at the age of seven and a half.
So what I did in essence was refuse the feminine, and embrace the masculine. I became one of the biggest tomboys that I've ever met. I walked like a boy, talked like a boy, and acted like a boy... most of the people watching me play soccer or hockey had no idea that I was a girl. I embraced the masculine in a big way. Again, it all stemmed from the fact that I needed to prove myself.
The Mission had rules, very strict rules on what men could do and what women could do. There were no women in leadership anywhere: they allowed us to take care of the children, but even then, if a man wanted to come in and tell you what to do, they would have the right, and we would have to listen. This all came justified by the Bible, in that men are the head of the home and women are to submit. I had a problem with this, from the very beginning.
And so I fought. I fought like hell for years. To be noticed, to be valued. To be seen. And so I took on the world.
I realize now that this belief of not having value and therefore needing to prove myself affected me in all kinds of ways. It created a very driven, capable, hard-working, competitive, stressed out, and overwhelmed human. There are beneficial and non beneficial things to everything. This affected my kids primarily. I hate to admit it but they grew up with a very stressed out mom. My need for perfection and for almost everything needing to be done at a super high level of proficiency added so much stress to our world. The cost was huge. I missed out on what could have been many funny, free, gloriously human moments. I looked for what was wrong instead of what was right. I’ve apologized over and over to my kids now that I understand how it impacted them. It also affected the people around me. My energy bled off on them. Pushing, forcing, proving. I’m 46 years old, this belief has been going on for over 30 years. Obviously, it has left a path to follow.
The other side of the coin is that this belief created a lot of amazing things and experiences. I pushed through the uncomfortable to get to the other side of whatever I was creating. I’m not a quitter. I’m resilient, a go-getter. I’ve taken on huge projects like being a missionary in the middle of the most primitive tribal group on the planet, built our houses with my own hands, helped build multiple airstrips, traveled the world etc. Beautiful things have also come to pass due to the by-product of my belief to prove myself. It’s important to look at both sides.
One of my coworkers came up to me one day. He sat me down, and he goes,” come here” and he says, "Okay, you're making me crazy". I was like, "What? What are you talking about, Alex?" And he responds, "I wish that you would see yourself the way the rest of us do". He was super direct. And he goes, "Okay, so you have homework tonight." I was so confused. And he says, “you need to go home, and you need to get naked. And you need to stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself and go through every body part, starting from your toes all the way up to the top of your head and back down telling yourself that you're beautiful."
I was freaked out. Because just saying the word naked made me uncomfortable. Because in my world, you don't talk about naked. You don't talk about sex. You don't talk about anything like that. You don't wiggle your hips, wiggling your hips could lead to sex and sex is bad. Two kids later, him just saying the word "naked", still made me squirm.
But, I went home, and I got naked. I told myself I was beautiful... it was so weird, and so uncomfortable, I wanted to crawl out of my skin. But I kept going and I did it day after day after day after day for probably a week before I wasn't squirming any longer. If I ever see Alex again, I'll thank him, because that started a massive change in how I viewed myself. It was the first step in not refusing the feminine and noticing the beauty and the humaneness. Just the way that I am.
How you can learn from me…
Step 1. Look back on a time in your childhood where something happened that created a new belief system
You have to know where we are on the map to get where we want to go
When I looked back on my life I was able to see for the first time the exact moment I made a decision to do things differently. I learned that there are times in life where something happens that causes us to change our thinking and our thinking affects future choices.
To Start…
A. Sit in a quiet place, breathe in three times deeply
It’s important to find a quiet place to sit. A place with little or no distractions. I tend to go to my zen bed in my office because I know that that is where I have the best chance of no interruptions or distractions. Sit in a comfortable position. I will sit cross legged if I know I won’t be sitting longer than 30 minutes, if I think I’ll be sitting longer, i’ll sit in a comfortable chair. Keep a good posture of shoulders back and a straight spine, to keep energies flowing freely. Breathe at least three times deeply. When I say deeply I mean, breathe as if you are breathing into the bottom of your stomach. Like you are pouring water in and it’s filling from the bottom first. You do this because that is where the feelers are that collect the oxygen. They are called Alveoli. Breathe in deep, hold for a few seconds and exhale using the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. You want your exhale to be longer than your inhale so that you get rid of any stale air in your lungs. I usually do this a least three times, but you can do it more if you like.
B. Ask yourself "What individual event in my life happened, that from that moment on, I believed and thought something different?
Once you are in a beautiful state, ask yourself the question, What individual event in my life happened, that from that moment on I believed something different?. When you ask yourself a good question, you get a good answer. When you ask yourself a shiity question, like Why me, you get a shiity answer. When you ask yourself an outstanding question like “What individual event in my life happened, that from that moment on I believed something different?, you get an outstanding answer. At first, you may feel like there is nothing to discover, but just keep breathing and sitting and asking the question and then all of a sudden you will receive the answer. At first, you may want to reject what you know to be true. This is normal. Continue to breathe and discover the truth.
C. “What was my belief before the change happened?
As you discover the event that changed you, ask yourself, “What was my belief before the change happened?” It’s important to write them down so that you can see them clearly in front of you. When you do, you are able to realize that you didn't always have this belief, it was created from one impactful event in time. In realizing this you can also understand that you can then change what your belief consciously if you want. This process can help you understand why you have been making the choices you have been making. When I realized that I had been working my ass off to prove myself to the world because of a choice made at 7 and half years old, something shifted in me. The awareness alone helped evaporate the need to continue to do that. I can now choose to be competitive or not. Before I felt like I didn’t have a choice, I had to win, to be the best, to prove, prove prove.
By understanding the past you can heal the future, and you are ready to take the next step.
2. How did this belief system affect your life? What were the gifts and consequences of that belief?
By understanding truly how this belief system affects your life, you can decide if it is a belief that serves you or one to get rid of. In my story, I illustrated how I realized that my belief had no value, but it played a part in many instances in my life and caused me to choose people and situations that weren't great as I didn't feel worthy or deserving of more.
Here’s how to do it…
A. Ask yourself, "how has this belief affected other situations in my life?"
After you’ve written down what your old belief and your new realized belief are, ask yourself, “how has this belief affected other situations in my life? “ As they come to your mind, write them down. Don't reject them, just write them down. If you are anything like me you will start to see a pattern. This is important. Awareness is key to change. Ask yourself the question again, and again until you run out of examples. Do not allow guilt or shame to creep in. Observe, be curious, seek to understand yourself.
B. Who was affected by my belief
When you are done with that list ask yourself “Who was affected by my belief?” People will flood into your mind. Again, no guilt or shame, just awareness. Write them down. Keep asking “who else was affected?” Who else was affected by my belief?” Like me, likely the people most affected will be your kids and spouse, but I encourage you to look even deeper to friendships and co-workers so that you can see even clearer how much this belief has impacted you and the people around you. I couldn’t believe that my belief frustrated my co-workers so much. That by me not seeing value in myself affected them too. It was a wake-up call for me.
C. How long did you have that belief and What was the cost of having that belief?
Then ask yourself “ How long have I had this belief and what has been the cost?” When the ideas come, again write them down. It can be hard to see things in print like that, especially when it comes to us messing up. It’s important to face them though. When it became clear to me that for over 30 years I had been believing this lie and living it out every day for all those years, it was hard to swallow. I didn’t want to face it. I needed to, I wanted to. Why, because the only way out is through. You can’t expect a different result if you keep doing the same thing.
D. What gift came out of this belief?
It’s important to look at things in the most balanced way possible and you can do that by also asking yourself the question, “ what gifts have come out of this belief”? There are always gifts. We just have to look for them. I might not have been able to get through some of the challenges I had to face in my life if I didn’t have the belief that I needed to prove myself. What have been the benefits for you? Ask yourself a few times so that you can see that not all is lost. There are gifts in everything. Nothing is a failure as long as we learn from it.
E. Make Things Right with the people you impacted
Once you know who you have hurt, affected, impacted in big or small ways, you have the amazing opportunity to make it right with those people. How do you do that? You meet them for lunch, you call them up, you take action. Once in front of you, look them in the eye and tell them you are sorry. Explain to them what you are learning and realizing. Ask them how it impacted them as there may be more to it than you have even thought of. Apologize again. Tell them you are working on it and any support from them in this process would be amazing. I’ve learned from apologizing to the different people in my life that it in general has been really well received. In most cases it has even made the relationship stronger. It’s actually quite magical!
When you implement this step you’ll truly understand the cost and consequence of this belief.
3. What is your new empowering belief now that you know you had a bullshit one?
It's important to replace the old bullshit belief with one that will serve you. I did this step in my story by making a conscious choice to what belief will serve me best moving forward and getting really clear on what that is so that I can reprogram my mind so as not to repeat the future.
A. Ask yourself " what is my new empowering belief"
To figure out what your new empowering belief should be, all you have to do is find the opposite phrase of the bullshit belief. So my old belief was “I’m not valuable”. So my new belief is “ I am valuable”. My old limiting belief was “I must take care of everyone first and me last.” My new belief is “I must take care of myself first so that I can help others even better.” My old bullshit belief was that “I’m not beautiful”, My new empowering belief is “ I am beautiful inside and out”. It’s important that you don’t just tell your brain to stop saying the old belief. It is incapable of stopping as it has been running that story for too long. The way to change it, is to replace it and give it another job to do.
B. Redefine it until it makes you smile and feel powerful
Make sure that your new belief is something that makes you smile and feel good. At first, it will feel weird, but if you give it a minute, deep down it will feel right. Keep working on the words until you find the ones that make you feel the most power and joy.
C. Repeat Repeat Repeat
The only way to reprogram the mind is to repeat the new empowering belief over and over and over. “ I am valuable, I must take care of myself first so that I can take care of others even better, I am beautiful inside and out.” Over and over.
When you complete this step you’ll be able to create a new empowering belief that makes you feel powerful and great about yourself.
4. Take Action
You don't leave change to chance, you make it happen by practicing it, placing it in front of you, and repeating it over and over again. In my story, I illustrated this by taking the advice of my co-worker and telling myself how beautiful I was naked from head to toe, over and over until I believed it.
You should start immediately by taking your own action, here’s how:
Write down your old bullshit belief, scratch it out/ rip it up and say "that's bullshit! Really loud and with conviction.
If you want to annihilate a limiting belief here is what you do! You write down your old bullshit belief, look at it, rip it up, and say with conviction, “That’s Bullshit!”
B: Ask yourself " what is the opposite of my bullshit belief/ Refine it til it makes you smile
Now ask yourself, ‘“What is my new empowering belief?”. Write that down. Make sure you like it and it feels good.
C: Repeat the process of saying in the most annoying squeaky voice" my old bullshit belief was X, (change to a powerful voice) but that's bullshit, what's true is....X "and repeat your new empowering belief.
Now make your voice the most annoying, grating, obnoxious, voice you can make and say “ My old bullshit limiting belief is that, I’m not valuable” with conviction say again, “ But that’s BULLSHIT!, what’s true is...I am valuable! You can replace mine with your unique belief. For instance, “My old bullshit limiting belief is----- X, but that’s BULLSHIT, what’s true is ------X. Do this about 6 times till you are super tired of it and your bullshit belief seems like bullshit to you and you believe your empowering belief.
D: Write your new empowering belief down on post it notes and place all over the house
Write your new empowering beliefs down on post-it notes and place them all over the house. This anchors in the new belief and what you will see over time is that the old belief with rear is ugly head much less, to almost never.
E: Create a mantra that you can repeat over and over while you go for walks or do things around the house
Another fun way to reprogram the mind is to create a mantra that has a fun beat to it so that you can repeat it as you go on walks or move about the house. For example, what I like to use is “every day in every way I get younger and younger”. “Every day in every way, I get healthier and healthier!” “ Every day in every way I get stronger and stronger” Etc. You say these as you march about your life. It tells your mind to focus on that instead of the many thoughts we have that tell us we are not good enough, too fat, too slow, too skinny, too uneducated etc. The mind doesn’t know the difference between what is real and imagined, so you might as well tell it what you want it to believe so that you can experience that instead.
When you implement this step you’ll come away with a new empowering belief to build upon which will end up changing your life for the better.
By following and implementing these steps you will begin to understand that beliefs created in your past have a cost and consequence, but when you create a new empowering belief that makes you feel powerful and great about yourself, this new belief will end up changing your life for the better. You will do that by asking these questions or following these steps:
1. Look back on a time in your childhood where something happened that created a new belief system
2. How did it affect your life, what were the gifts and consequences of that belief
3. What is your new empowering belief now that you know you had a bullshit one?
4. Take Action
You will learn how to appreciate the good that came from that belief and in that, your past can heal the future!
Your Action Steps: Are to implement the steps above and come back and let us know what your results are!
READ the whole story http://www.getyourshittogether.life