It’s Easy to Dodge Our Responsibility

What’s my responsibility in this? What question did I have to ask myself as I looked at my situation of being in an abusive marriage? Let’s explore this topic.

Here, you will learn the steps on how to figure out your responsibility in a bad situation, how to know who else has been affected by your choices and how to make it right, and how to take a new and inspired action. This will help you understand how your situation affects not only you but also everyone around you.

During my marriage, as I asked myself how I got there, and what led me into an abusive relationship, the hardest question to face was this: “What’s my responsibility in this?”

In wondering and answering this, I realized I’d been a bully to my sister. I’m something of a pipsqueak, but I was terrible to my sister. I didn’t respect her. I thought she was silly. I thought she was a child, and I treated her terribly. I physically beat up on her “playing around,” because I was so tough and she wasn’t. She was a very feminine girly girl and loved to play dress-up and with dolls. I was the one with the hockey posters on the walls and soccer balls and trophies everywhere. We couldn’t have been more different. Instead of embracing our differences, I scorned and mocked her.

And so I wondered if the bullying in me attracted the bully Joe. Or was it that I didn’t feel I had value? That I valued myself so little that I didn’t think I could leave? For years, I blamed the church and blamed the Mission for feeding my brain with the belief that once you were married, you were always married and there was no out. But the reality was that I did leave, I did get to the point of not believing that, and I took my life into my own hands to protect us all. I could have gotten to that place sooner. I could have saved us all years of suffering.

So what was it? I didn’t want to be alone? I didn’t want to be a single mom? I didn’t want to raise kids alone, although in reality I was, anyway? Or was I humiliated by the idea of having a failed marriage? The compulsive program that ran in me was, Thou shalt be successful always. Thou shalt be epic at all things. And I failed. I failed miserably. I was in an abusive situation and a marriage that failed. A marriage that did not work. Had I seen things more clearly, I would have left earlier. But I didn’t.

When I left, I also took responsibility for what I did. And I later apologized to my sister for all the years of bullying her, making her feel “less than.”

It was also good to acknowledge that I had a need not to be alone, and that I had stayed longer than I probably should have or needed to. In taking responsibility, I also needed to apologize to my parents and to thank them profusely for all the support and all that they had done for me in all these years of running and protecting and helping me, because my choice affected them massively, and to my second husband, Pete, who was highly affected by my life and my situation.

I still regret that I had hurt my second husband, Pete. When we married, I wasn’t ready to remarry. I was not yet healed. I did not understand my needs. I was not the best partner for Pete. I was not what he needed most. I didn’t have the capacity. And for that I am truly sorry, for the pain that I caused him.

I am, however, thankful that he was in my life as well, because he was and is an amazing dad to my boys.

With all this awareness, I get to do things differently. I get to choose differently. Awareness is a beautiful thing.

But you can’t do things differently unless you know what to change. And so with that new understanding comes new inspired actions, and that is magical.

Here are some suggestions:

Step 1 — Ask yourself the question, ‘What is my responsibility in this situation?’

Understand that we are all responsible for the lives we have created for ourselves. I do this step by describing my thought process of what happened, how I was responsible, how I was at one time a bully, how I believed I had no value, and that I didn’t want to be alone.

Understand you are responsible for your life. Ask yourself, ‘How did I get here?’ You are responsible for your life. Period. The sooner you realize that, the better. The problem is that this isn’t what we have been taught. We have been taught to be victims, to blame everyone else for our shitty life. It’s a lie, it’s simply not true, and deep down you know it, too. We are responsible for our lives. Period.

Ask yourself, “What did I have to believe about life, people, myself, to tolerate this?” Write down anything that comes to mind, even if you don’t like it or want to believe it.

Ask yourself, “What did I do to contribute to this situation?” Write down anything that comes to mind.

For me, I had to realize that I also had been a bully at times, especially to my sister. I also had to own up that I didn’t leave sooner, because I was afraid to be a failure, to be alone, to be a single mom. This is on me.

Step 2 — Ask yourself, ‘Who has been affected by my actions?’ Then apologize to them.

It’s important to look around and see the carnage you’ve left in your wake. Who has been affected by you and your choices? I do this step by talking about how my situation not only affected me but the kids, my family, my second husband, Pete, my friends, etc.

So ask yourself, ‘Who else has been affected by me and my choices?’ Write down anyone who comes to mind, without judgment. For me, the people affected most were my kids, my parents , my family, and my second husband.

Ask yourself, ‘How have I affected them, specifically?’ It’s important that you dig deep and really contemplate how exactly you affected the people around you.

For me, I had to take responsibility for staying so long with Joe. My son Brayden remembers the abuse clearly, even though he was only 4 when we left. My son Tate was highly affected, too, even though he was only two. You think kids don’t understand, but it’s not true — they feel and understand more than we could ever imagine.

My life and my drama also affected my parents. They were swooped up in it all with me for years and years, living in fear alongside me. My second husband, Pete, had to live with a very hurt soul. I lived for a long time in fight-or-flight mode. I didn’t realize this until later, as it was so normal for me, but I can’t even imagine what it was like to live with a scared animal like me. Our marriage didn’t last; it couldn’t, as I was a mess. This was the truth of it. Hard to look at. Hard to admit. But necessary to find freedom.

Apologize for your part in impacting their lives in whatever way you did, and ask them, “What am I missing? How else did my choices affect you?”

Think deeply about this, then get out your phone and contact everyone on the list of people you’ve affected, and set up a time to talk to them privately. Do not have the main conversation by text. Set up a time for each one, and then honor that time by showing up and apologizing to them for how you have impacted them.

The reality is that you might not realize half of it. Let them speak freely. Do not interrupt them or get defensive. Listen and apologize, and take ownership for how your life and choices affected their life. It’s amazing how healing this is and how much those people appreciate you taking the time to apologize and honor them in that way.

I have had many conversations like this over the years with my kids and my parents. I called Pete up years ago and apologized to him, too. We don’t talk a lot, but when we do, it feels nice. So set up times to meet and then take responsibility and have a conversation with them. This will take as long as it takes to make things right. But it will be totally worth it. You will see, and be glad about it.

Step 3 —Take new and inspired action.

This step is important, because in order to get a different result you need to actually do things differently.

Ask yourself, ‘If I don’t want to be here — where do I want to be?’ It’s important to decide where you want to be, and who. Write down anything that comes to mind. Ask yourself again and again until you have a good-sized list of ideas. When I asked myself this question, I discovered that I didn’t want to live scared anymore. I also realized that I needed to get help with my fight or flight compulsion.

Ask yourself, ‘Why do I want that specifically?’ Write down anything that comes to mind. I needed to physically move so that I could live and feel safe. And I needed to get help so that I could heal and therefore be a better person and a better mom. .

Ask yourself, ‘What do I need to do, and who do I need to get help from to get that result?’ Now it’s time for action. Without action, things keep swirling around in our minds and nothing changes. Write down what actions come to mind. I needed to get help, so I did. I started coaching with my teacher, mentor, guru, healer, who is Josh. I saw him weekly or biweekly for six years.

I am a much different and better person because I took action and got consistent help. It was the best investment in myself I could have ever made. When you know what you need to do, schedule it. Make an appointment, take the class, sign up for the course, and take the vacation.

Do what it is that you know to do. Do not delay another day.

By following these steps, you will learn how to take responsibility for your own shit, just like I did. We are all responsible for the lives we have created for ourselves. You will learn the steps on how to figure out your responsibility in a situation, how to know who else was affected by your choices, and how to make it right, and how to take a new and inspired action.

You do this by asking yourself these questions:

• What is my responsibility in this situation?

• Who has been affected by my actions? — and apologize to them.

• What is my new inspired action step?

Life is messy; your energy, actions and attitudes affect others; and it’s important to minimize the damages and also to honor the people in your life that have stuck it out with you in the swamp. By the end, you will have a new, inspired plan that you are consciously choosing so that you don’t go back to the old, engrained program that messed you up, but instead move towards what is healthy and what you really want and who you need to be.

Take these steps — and then come back and let us know what your results are!