It is the Lot of Man to Suffer
Why are We Addicted to suffering? It’s important to understand that there are beneficial and non-beneficial ways to meet our needs. We get addicted to a behavior if it meets 3 needs at a high level (Non- beneficial) Or we become a fan of a behavior if it meets 3 needs at a high level (beneficial). With awareness, we can meet our own needs in a beneficial way. I do this step by sharing a story of how violence is so rampant on our planet, how it meets 3 or more needs at a high level, and how I was addicted to my story of being a single mom, having to do everything on my own.
Here are the three steps to take to navigate your needs and addictions.
1. There are 2 ways to meet your needs both beneficially and non beneficially
2. Reasons why we are addicted or a fan/ Realize where we are addicted
3. Meet the need in a beneficial way.
The outcome of this is to walk away with a complete chart of examples of how you meet your needs both beneficially and non beneficially. To realize that when you are also addicted to a behavior, you are so, in order to meet your needs. But we have a choice. We can meet our own needs beneficially. Period. You will learn and see how you have been addicted to your own suffering and how it's affected you and the people around you.
Have you ever met someone addicted to their suffering? Could that person in some way be you? It certainly was me for a period of time. And now that I understand the seven human needs, I can understand better, why we as humans do what we do, and how we will do anything to meet our needs, even if it's self-sabotage.
I was super addicted to the story of being a single mom, raising two kids alone, being abandoned by the Mission and having to run and hide for my life. All kinds of different things that fed into this idea of "poor me". When I look at what needs I was meeting it was love and significance. I got a lot of love sharing my story. And I got a lot of significance because it's not just a small thing that happened, it's a big thing. It's a significant thing that happened and even though all the things that I say happened, the way I viewed it, and my perspective on it, made it way worse than it needed to be. I now know how it feels to be on the other side of that belief system. I can look back on those things now and shrug my shoulders and go, "Yeah, okay. It happened, I learned a lot and it was a blessing in lots of ways." But we have to wake up. And we have to see what it is that we're doing. And how we're behaving to meet our needs.
Remember, there's a beneficial way and a non beneficial way. It's hard to see maybe the non beneficial way of love. But for me, that was an easy one to see, because I stayed with people way longer than I should have because I wanted love. I should have left Joe years earlier. But I was holding on to the day that maybe one day he would love me because marriage is supposed to be loving. Because dating was great. I thought that it was in him, that he just was lost. And of course on some level that's true. But he was choosing to live that way. And ultimately, I don't believe that he understands what love is. His psychiatrist told me after one session with Joe that he is a psychopath, with narcissist personality disorder. He told me in no uncertain terms that he has zero empathy for his own flesh and blood.
So we will meet our needs, however we need to meet them. Even if it means hurting somebody else, hurting ourselves. Think about violence, the violence that we have in the world today. Why is it so prominent? What needs is violence meeting in the world? When I think about the young man that stabbed my friend Dani, what needs was he meeting, that he thought that that was an okay thing to do. The first one that I can think of is certainty. He thought that with a knife, he would be able to get the money that he wanted. He was fairly certain of that, that’s why he chose her. So he was meeting that need for certainty, that there would be cash there and that a knife was going to do the job to scare her enough to give him the money. He was also meeting the need of significance. Because isn't he King Shit at that moment? Doesn't he have everybody's attention at that moment? Didn't he have Dani’s 100% attention at that moment? With the knife inside her belly as he walked her across the kitchen to get to her wallet. He felt pretty significant. He felt pretty big. The third thing is connection. The sick kind of connection. But he was connected to her literally, with a knife in her belly connected to her. Had her attention. And then you could also throw some variety in there. Because he didn't know at what time someone would walk in or what point her daughter would come down the stairs again. So there's some variety in there too. So that's four needs that's being met at a high level, and when three or four needs are being met at a high level, we become addicted. There was one day I was playing football with the kids in the pool. And it was a big pool. I threw a football. An amazing. Spiral, perfect, right in the pocket across the pool, right into the arms of the kids. And I caught myself looking around to see if anyone noticed. And I started laughing out loud. Because I became aware that I was looking for my need for significance to be met.
I wanted someone to notice how amazing I just threw the football. And so instead of continuing to look around, I gave myself a pat on the back and said that was amazing. It was a really fun reminder of how we are meeting our needs all day long in different ways. If we can wake up and separate ourselves from it, then we can see it, then we can make a change. And here's the thing, now that you know, you will see it in others... you're gonna see it everywhere. Now you're gonna say "Oh, they're looking for significance. Oh, they're looking for love. Oh, wow. I think they need some variety." We pick fights with our significant others because we're bored. We need variety. And we don't care how we get it.
So instead of offering to go out for a walk, to go see a movie, instead, we pick a fight. What if we were aware enough to go "Wait a second. I don't want to fight about your socks on the floor. I'm bored. Can we mix it up instead? Can we go do something different?" What if we could do that?
It's an amazing way to live when you're aware. It's so much fun. To not be running on the program but to be choosing. To be choosing what you think and how you feel and how you're going to respond instead of being controlled by the program.
How you can learn from me…
1. There are 2 ways to meet your needs
The importance of this step is to understand there are beneficial and non beneficial ways to meet our needs.
I do this step by sharing examples of how to meet our needs beneficially and non beneficially.
To start…
A. list the 7 human needs
For this step I want you to write down on a separate piece of paper or fill in the chart provided in the book, the 7 Human needs. See chart as an example. There will be two additional sections of Beneficial and Non Beneficial. This will take 3-5 min to complete this initial step. There is no need to be a super artist here, just write it out so you can see and understand it.
B. Ask yourself " How do I meet each need beneficially?"
Ok so here is where we are going to get even more real! But first, breathe deep into the lungs. Make sure it’s through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Repeat three times then ask your higher self this question, "How do I meet each need beneficially?" write down anything that comes to mind without judgement. Seek the truth and you will find it. I met my needs beneficially for example by being organized - certainty. Traveling the world, able to adjust to new environments fairly easily- Variety, Working hard and accomplishing amazing things - Significance. Loving people fiercely and receiving love in return-Love. Speaking my truth and living it out openly and authentically- Truth. Following my intuition and protecting my boys -Awareness. Contributing to the world by sharing my gifts and talents and helping others to live extraordinary lives.- Connection to All. " How do you meet each need beneficially?" This will take 5-7min to complete.
C. Ask Yourself " How do I meet each need non beneficially?"
Breathe deep into the lungs. Make sure it’s through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Repeat three times then ask your higher self this question, "How do I meet each need NON beneficially?" Write down anything that comes to mind without judgement. I met my needs Non Beneficially for example by being controlling - Certainty. Getting bored easily- Variety. I met my need for significance non beneficially by needing to be number 1 and almost killed myself to get there. I stayed with a few relationships way too long because I just wanted to be loved- Love. I would express myself too much and with force-Truth. Sometimes my desire to grow would be at the expense of my family by being away a lot- Awareness. Sometimes I just plain forget that we are all connected -Connection to All. "How do you meet each need non beneficially?" This will take 5-7 min to complete.
The outcome of this step is to walk away with a complete chart of examples of how you meet your needs both beneficially and non beneficially.
2. Reasons why we are addicted or a fan/ Realize where we are addicted
The importance of this step is to realize that we get addicted to a behavior if it meets 3 needs at a high level (Non- beneficial) Or we become a fan of a behavior if it meets 3 needs at a high level (beneficial).
I do this step by explaining how violence is so rampant on our planet, how it meets 3 or more needs at a high level. Story of me addicted to my story of being a single mom yada yada.
Here’s how you do it…
A. What's a behavior that you have that you are addicted to?
For this next step, I want you to Breathe deep into the lungs. Make sure it’s through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Repeat three times then ask your higher self this question, ``What's a non beneficial behavior that you have, that you are addicted to?” Write down anything that comes to mind. I used the example of how addicted our planet is to violence because it meets 3-4 needs at a high level. ``What's a non beneficial behavior that you have, that you are addicted to?” Common answers are smoking, feeling stressed out, worried, controlling, obsessive, angry, eating unhealthy foods etc. This will take 3-5 min to complete. This will take 3-5 min to complete.
B. What 3 needs is it meeting at a high level
Breathe deep into the lungs again. Make sure it’s through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Repeat three times then ask your higher self this question, “What 3 needs is addictive behavior meeting at a high level?” I used the example of Dani’s attacker. He was meeting the need for Certainty - knew he could get the cash if he had a knife, Significance - all attention was on him in those moments, and Variety because her daughter was also in the house at the time. “What 3 needs is your addictive behavior meeting at a high level?” This will take 3-5 min to complete.
C. How is it hurting you?
Now ask your higher self the question, “How is this addicting non beneficial behavior hurting me? Write down anything that comes to mind. In the case of Dani’s attacker, he ended up in jail for probably the rest of his life. So the cost was great. For some addictive behaviors, it could mean major sickness, death, unhappiness, etc. “ How is this addictive non beneficial behavior hurting you? Now ask your higher self the question, “If I don’t make a change what could be the ultimate cost of my addiction?” Get real with yourself. No bullshit allowed here. Go all the way to the end of your life, if you have one, and look back and ask yourself, If I don’t make a change, what could be the ultimate cost of my addiction?” This will take 5-7 min to complete.
The outcome of this step is to realize where you are also addicted to a behavior in order to meet your needs.
Step 3. Meet the need in a beneficial way
The importance of this step is that with awareness we can meet our own needs in a beneficial way.
I do this step by sharing about throwing the football and looking for recognition.
Here’s what you want to do…
A. Wake up to the fact you are meeting a need non- beneficially
It’s important that you wake up to the fact that you are meeting a need non-beneficially. I suggest you go back through the steps and ask the questions again to see what other needs you are meeting non- beneficially. Because this is YOUR life! You get to design it if you want. Or you can let the program design it for you. Which is it?
B. Celebrate that you just became aware
Every time you become aware that you are meeting a need in a non- beneficial way or in a beneficial way, celebrate!!! Give yourself a high five or pat on the back or a hug for waking up. or becoming aware because that’s freakin awesome! That is worth celebrating. It also re-anchors the possibility for something else to happen.
C. Ask yourself " how can I meet this need in a beneficial manner?"
For this third step, once you are aware of how you are meeting your need non-beneficially, you ask your higher self this question, “how can I meet this need in a beneficial manner?" like when I realized that I had thrown the football in a beautiful spiral and was looking for significance in getting recognition. I instead laughed and patted myself on the back mentally and said great job Amy, that was awesome! So my need got met, but I met it beneficially instead. " How can you meet this need in a beneficial manner?" This will take 3-5 min.
The outcome of this step is to know that we have a choice. We can meet our own needs beneficially. Period.
When you follow and implement these steps you will learn why you are addicted to suffering? You will understand that there are beneficial and non beneficial ways to meet our needs. That we get addicted to a behavior if it meets 3 needs at a high level (Non- beneficially) Or we become a fan of a behavior if it meets 3 needs at a high level (beneficially). With awareness, we can meet our own needs in a beneficial way. Just like the example in the story of how violence is so rampant on our planet, how it meets 3 or more needs at a high level, and how I was addicted to my story of being a single mom, having to do everything on my own. Here are the three steps to take to navigate your needs and addictions.
1. There are 2 ways to meet your needs beneficially or non beneficially
2. Reasons why we are addicted or a fan/ Realize where we are addicted
3. Meet the need in a beneficial way
The outcome of this, is to walk away with a complete chart of examples of how you meet your needs both beneficially and non beneficially. To realize that when you are addicted to a behavior, you are so, in order to meet your needs. But we have a choice. We can meet our own needs beneficially. Period. You will learn and see how you have been addicted to your own suffering and how it's affected you and the people around you.
Your Action Steps: Are to implement the steps above, and come back and let us know what your results are!
READ the whole story http://www.getyourshittogether.life