What love isn't
Sometimes you have to know what love isn't to know what love is.
In this post, I will share with you the importance of realizing we have been lied to about Love and how it has impacted you. If you don't make a change, more shit is coming. I will share my story of my Ex husband Joe and I ending our marriage. How I stayed for 8 years in an abusive unloving relationship largely because of the lies. How I had to come to terms, thinking about my kids and what could be our future if I don't make a change and change my beliefs. I will share the three steps on how to figure out how the lies about love have affected you and how to make a change.
They are:
1. What lies we have been told about love
2. Cost of the bullshit.
3. What are the consequences if we continue to buy the bullshit.
You will learn fallacy and fantasy of what we have been taught love is, and how these beliefs have shaped your life so far.
The outcome is to be able to mind-read the future and discover the cost of continuing to believe the lies. It is now time to make your choice as to what you will continue to believe.
We've been lied to. We've been told that love is jealous. Love is control. Love is sex. It's not true.
And yet, so many of us in the world are caught up in these lies. Sometimes to know what love is, we have to know what love isn't. I think that's partly why I've been through what I've been through, is for me to learn what love is. I grew up in a loving home with my immediate family. And for those of you who know them know that I grew up in the best family. We share so much love. So much fun. As human as we are, it's as unconditional as it could possibly be. We’ve had a few bumps in the road, but for the most part, we just love each other. I am so thankful for my home and for my family. But things changed when I married Joe, I knew what love was, but I didn't experience that with Joe. At least not from the day of our wedding on. Joe abused and used the Bible to his benefit, as many do, and he took it to an extreme.
My experience with Joe taught me that love is jealous, love is controlling and love is sex. It's not true.
I arranged to meet Joe at a McDonald's to tell him that I was no longer going back to him and that we were done. I was very nervous about what he would do, how he would behave. So I made sure that it was in a public place and brought a plainclothes policeman with me to be there nearby, in case things got bad. We sat across from each other for the first time in a year. I told him we were over, it was over. He looked at me with anger and disdain and says "Why? I brought you a soda once."
I sat there stunned. Honestly, my brain short-circuited a little. "You brought me a soda once! What???? I couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity. “ You think by bringing me a soda once, that that's enough to sustain a relationship….. That is why we're done."
As I looked back on our married relationship, he got it about right. He brought me a soda once. I vaguely remember him handing me a Twizzlers once when I asked, he didn't want to give it to me. And then finally, he handed it to me. But other than that, he gave me a soda once and he gave me a Twizzlers, kind of, sort of, once. In eight years of marriage. I know, I realize that this sounds extreme and crazy. How could it be true? It just is. And out of his own mouth. I brought you a soda once.
This is what love isn't. I experienced the extreme side of what love isn't. And yet I stayed for eight years because I believed things that weren't true. I believe the lies that life is hard. That I have to submit because I'm the woman and he's the man, that I have to give him my body whenever he wants it because he's the man and I'm the woman, that I have to stay because we're married. And that there's no way out without God being very displeased with me. It was even suggested that bad things could happen to me, or my children could die, if I displeased God.
We have been lied to. Life is hard, but it doesn't have to be that hard.
My life is not perfect, but it is glorious. Why? Because of all the tools that I’ve learned and the different ways that I now look at things because someone taught me, and because I live them out in my life. I now know the difference, and I know the contrast.
So I am thankful for Joe. He was my master teacher. I now know what love isn't. And that is a gift. I know what control is. I can see it a mile off. I know what jealousy is. I know the difference between sex for sex and sex in love. Completely different. I'm so thankful to know the difference.
How you can learn from me…
1. What lies we have been told about love
The importance of this step is to realize we have been lied to about Love
I do this step by sharing my story of ending our marriage.
To start…
A. Love is sex
The first lie we have been told from our society, school, Tv and the media as a whole is that sex is love. We see it over and over and over again. Victims of Crime tell us that 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse, Self-report studies show that 20% of adult females and 5-10% of adult males recall a childhood sexual assault or sexual abuse incident. Many of my clients when expressing the story of their sexual abuse tell me that they are told that their abuser was just showing them love. “This is what love is”. Joe believed based on his interpretation of the bible that my body was his to do as he pleased. It’s a lie. We can see that bright and clear when it comes to sexual abuse, but can we see it in the more subtle programming that we receive? Tv, movies, and Social Media is full of sexualizing people, animals, and even things. We are constantly told subconsciously that we aren’t enough, and that sex is love and love is sex. It’s a lie. To do this next step, breathe deep into the lungs. Make sure it’s through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Now ask your higher self this question, “Where do I believe, or where have I believed this lie that, sex is love, or love is sex?” Is it in how you carry yourself, is it in how you dress, is it in how you relate to your sexual partner. Write down anything that comes to mind without judgment. For me, in my marriage to Joe, sex was the only time he was kind of nice to me. I knew it was because he wanted sex, but I would disillusion myself sometimes into believing he actually loved me because we were having sex. Bullshit. There was no love there, but I believed the lie. Where do you, or have you, believed this lie? This will take 3-5 min to complete.
B. Love is control
The second lie is Love is control or control is love. So many people are controlled in the name of love. I can’t even tell you how many of my clients have mentioned this in regards to their spouses, parents, churches, and especially their belief on how God feels about them based on their specific religion. Grown adults, scared to live their own life because of how their loved ones or church parishioners will react. It’s a lie. Control is not love, it’s control. Controlling someone for the most part is self-serving. Parents do it to their kids on a level that makes me ill. I did it too in the early days before I was taught not to. When we control someone we fill the need for significance, (I’m in control) and also the need for certainty,(I know what is going to happen because I’m in control), it also serves the need of love and connection, ( I love you so much that’s why I’m not going to let you screw up your life). Bullshit. Control is not love. Control is control. Breathe deep into the lungs again. Make sure it’s through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Then ask yourself higher self “ Where have I been controlled or been controlling under the guise of love?” Write down whatever comes to mind without judgment. This will take 3-5 min to complete.
C. Love is jealous
The third lie is that love is jealous, or being jealous is love. Nope, not true. Jealousy is one of the ickiest things to experience. I’ve seen it over and over again with different clients and friends. It’s this belief, that if a significant other is jealous, they are an asshole, but if they aren't jealous, then they don’t actually love you. What? The program is crazy, and yet I see it over and over again. I’ve watched both sides behave in ways to make the other person jealous, then when they are, it’s a problem. This is not love. Jealousy is not love, it’s jealousy. Breathe deep into the lungs again. Make sure it’s through your nose, hold for 5 seconds and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Then ask your higher self, “Where have I also believed the lie that jealousy is love”? Write down anything that comes to mind without judgement. This will take 3-5 min to complete.
The outcome of this step is to weed out the bullshit about love.
2. Cost of the bullshit
The importance of this step is to weigh the impact.
I do this step by sharing the story of how I stayed for 8 years in an abusive unloving relationship largely because of the lies.
Here’s what you want to do…
A. What lies about love have you believed
For this step I want you to read over your list of lies about love that you either believe or used to believe. Ask your higher self, “ which lie has hurt me the most?” Circle the answer. For me I think the lie that overall hurt me the most, and for the longest amount of time, was the lie about control being love. Growing up feeling uneasy, afraid, incongruent with myself, and not enough all stemmed from the control that I was under from the church, the mission organization I was a part of, and my parents who were affected as well by the church and the mission. It took me years and years to break out of their clutch of control and live my own life. What lie has hurt you the most? This will take 3-5 min to complete.
B. How has this affected your life?
Breathe deep into the lungs again. Make sure it’s through your nose, hold for 5 seconds, and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Then ask your higher self, “How has this lie affected my life?” ask it again and again until you have at least 3 examples or more of how this lie directly has affected your life. The lie that control is love affected me by wasting years of my life living for the wishes of other people. I wasn’t able to be guided by Source in me, I was controlled instead by the men in my life. Either church men, mission men, or my husband. I allowed it because for a time I believed the lie that they controlled me because they loved me. How has believing your biggest lie affected your life? This will take 3-5 min to complete.
C. Who else's life has this affected and how?
Now ask your higher self, “Who else's life has this lie affected and how?” In other words, by you believing this lie, who else has that affected? For me, it affected my kids the most. I didn't leave my marriage for years past when I should have, could have. We all went through years of abuse because I believed the lie that he had the right to control me and use me sexually and that all of it was love. That I needed to control my kids every move because that’s what a loving parent does. It’s a lie. Who else in your life is or was affected by you believing one or all of these lies? This will take 3-5 min to complete.
The outcome of this step is to see and feel the cost of believing the lies.
3. What are the consequences if we continue to buy the bullshit
The importance of this step is that if you don't make a change, more shit is coming.
I do this step by sharing the story of thinking about my kids and what could be our future if I don't make a change and change my beliefs.
Here’s how you do it…
A. Ask Yourself " If I keep believing these lies what will the consequences likely be?
Breathe deep into the lungs again. Make sure it’s through your nose, hold for 5 seconds, and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Then ask your higher self, "If I keep believing these lies what will the consequences likely be?” This is a very important question to ask. Your 95% subconscious mind/elephant, is not going to like it. Keep breathing and asking yourself anyways. What I like to do is go to the end of my life in my mind and look back on it as if I continued to believe the lies. What would be the consequences of that belief or beliefs? Play them out in all their horrid detail for a minute or two. See it, feel it. What will the consequences be if you continue to believe these lies?
B. How much pain and suffering will I experience if I continue with these beliefs
Now go a little deeper and ask yourself, “How much pain and suffering will I experience if I continue with these beliefs?” Write down everything that comes to mind. I know that If I continued to believe that sex, control, and jealousy were love, I would have stayed in that abusive, loveless marriage. I wouldn’t know what freedom is, I wouldn’t know what true love is. I wouldn’t know what it felt like to be led by my inner Higher Self. The pain and suffering if I had continued believing these lies, and stayed with Joe, could have even ended my life prematurely. “How much pain and suffering will you experience if you continue with these beliefs?” This will take 3-5 min to complete.
C. Whose life will I affect if I keep this up?
Breathe deep into the lungs again. Make sure it’s through your nose, hold for 5 seconds, and exhale through your mouth making the sound “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”. Then ask your higher self, “Who's life will also be affected if you keep believing these lies that, sex, control, and jealousy are love?” Write down who comes to mind without judgment. My kids would have grown up to believe the same thing, and they would likely treat the people around them in the same ugly way. I would have continued to influence friends, family, and tribal people in the same way. It’s impossible not to if that is your belief system. There are always consequences to our beliefs. Who would continue to pay because of yours? This will take 3-5 min to complete.
D. Choose
The fourth step is to choose. Choose if you wish to continue to believe the lie and live out the lie, or not. Choose. It is your choice. No one but yours. What’s it gonna be? Choose, right now.
The outcome of this step is to mind-read the future if you don't make a change.
When you follow and implement these steps you will understand the importance of realizing that we have been lied to about Love. You will know clearly how it has impacted you and if you don't make a change, more shit is coming. In the example of my Ex husband Joe and I ending our marriage. How I stayed for 8 years in an abusive unloving relationship largely because of the lies I believed. How I had to come to terms, thinking about my kids and what could be our future if I don't make a change and change my beliefs. You will have the three steps on how to figure out how the lies about love have affected you and how to make a change. They are:
1. What lies we have been told about love
2. Cost of the bullshit
3. What are the consequences if you continue to buy the bullshit?
The outcome is that you will learn the fallacy and fantasy of what we have been taught that love is, and how those beliefs have shaped your life so far. The outcome is to be able to mind-read the future and discover the cost of continuing to believe the lies. It is now time to make your choice. What will you continue to believe?
Your Action Steps: Are to implement the steps above, and come back and let us know what your results are!
If you feel that I can help you in your journey, please connect with me here
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